JPG Magazine: MsB

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Trailer park trash




I decided that I will live in my car before I leave Pete and Lucy Blu behind. I traveled this summer with Pete and my Ikea mattress and it was ok. But first I am going to work on a travel trailer to live in and try a keep the car too. the x always said when he got rid of his other girlfriends he bought them a car and a motorcycle jacket. Maybe my dad, instead of sending his girlfriend to Mazatlan again will donate to my trailer park trash fund. I have my old paypal account still on my blog from the day when I sold chakra beads on the Internet. One can donate. Please don't feel obligated,please don't stop reading my blog because of it.my friend said ask everyone I know for a hand out. I appear to self sufficient when I'm really not. I may even be able to start doing beads again. Or something. I am working on a book. (aren't we all) All I know is I can't live without my furry little family if I plan to keep on trudging the road of happy destiny.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

yada yada yada

even though I've done things today to help get out of this situation, I am still discussed with my self and the situation I've gotten my self into. I want to rip this blog apart and throw away everything I own. It just goes on and on. I keep telling myself it will get better and what few friends I still have left are being as supportive as they can. I don't want to let them down but I'm afraid I don't believe a word of it. Shit , I hope this passes soon. I really do know it's me and I need an attitude adjustment. The bf needs... well its really none of my business what he needs but he doesn't need me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Amazing


How could I have been so blind? Things are better for me today. Without being sappy I really do get how life's most serious moments can be times of growth. Don't get me wrong. I still feel like I've been kicked in the gut but hands are reaching out to hold me up. I could do it alone but why? Life is good today even if I'm unhappy. Can't always be perfect. Gonna miss that dog Luther though.

Hate

I'm just so mad tonight. Up until now I have been in shock. He said, "I make enough money for both of us. Quit your job. get well." I said are you sure? It's a big job to take care of a sick person. I bought him a book written by a friend who went though the same thing. I don't think he read it because he is so smart.

Thursday he assured me again I could stay for ever and Sunday he got mad while I was fussing over taking my shot. I didn't answer he's phone. He finally did and it was the repair man to confirm a next day appointment. He informed me of this as though had he not answered the phone all hell would have broken loose. I asked him, " Should I have dropped everything put on some cloths and answer the phone for him?

In a short time, after I cleaned up from the shot, I went out and apologized for being so short with him. He said you have 90 days to get out.

So I am selling stuff. I'll get out soon. I hate him right now. I know I'll get over it. But not now. Hate is motivating. I will become the king kong of hate.

Monday, February 18, 2008



. . . Ours is the universe of the unfolded rose,
The explicit
The candid revelation.

—D. H. Lawrence

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Stop the world, I want to get off


Well, I just got a ninety day notice to move out. The BF just can't stand my attitude anymore. Boy, this new development should really make my life much more exciting. Like I don't have enough excitement already. He just promised last night no matter what he would never ask me to leave. Promises, Promises.

I took care of my ex-husband as he was dieing of lung cancer. No, it wasn't easy. It was damn hard but I promised. I learned so much about selflessness, putting my life on hold for the good of another. Some days I just wanted to run away. But I didn't.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn here. I'm just saying I understand. But for me, I don't have the VA to pitch in and help. Or a mother that is still alive. And since I left Oregon I really don't have many friends.

Boy am I ever on the pity pot. so please don't let me forget:

Fear to faith. Don't give up before the miracle. And of course it is all exactly the way it is supposed to be.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Fear to faith

Last night I dreamed I was normal again, or what ever normal was for me. It was great. Then I woke up, I was back to this state of exhaustion, cold, pain, that has slipped over my life ssslllooowwlly in the last however long. I enjoyed the reprieve. My house is warm in the morning as my boyfriend gets ready for work, he flips the heat switch on. He said it will be 65 degrees in Phoenix today. Maybe I should go to Phoenix, thinks I. Like that will give me a boost. You see, we don't turn the heat on in the daytime when he's not here because he pays the bills. He doesn't want to waste money. Maybe I'm supposed to meditate on how warm it is in Phoenix.

I spoke with my Father a few days ago. He broke his leg and at 87 thats a tough thing. Right now he is in a rest home doing physical therapy and .... when he gets out he will go to his 2 new daughters house to recoup. Two new Daughters? Whats wrong with your two old daughters? What about your girlfriends, the one yo are going to by a new house for? Well, my sister will be going there to see whats up. I said I would come up but he wants to be alone with my sister because he doesn't know her very well. (My Mother walked before she was born. Guess she figured one abused daughter was enough.

Its a good thing I don't have to base my opinion of myself on the imagination of others. But I am damn cold. BF lets me stay in a room in his house if I cook and clean and do the laundry. But I only get heat when he's home. Oh, he did say I could build a fire today. I lived with wood heat for 16 years, 13 of that alone. I do know about fires. But the wood he scavenged out of the forest this time takes a blow torch to start. REALLY. Thats how he has been starting it.And then it doesn't put out much heat. Like me :+) So today I'm in my warm elevated bed and when I get up, I just bundle up. Was gonna clean the house but not today. It might warm up or stay warm in here, but just about everything in AZ is build on a concrete slab. Just sucks the warm right out of the house.

"In the world there are two kinds of tragedies. One is not getting what one wants. The other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde (Found on the Junky's Wife.)

I think theres a third tragedy... not knowing what one wants. I don't have a clue anymore. It just doesn't compute. I used to be able to figure it out and do what needed to be done. My latest in a long line of sponsors gave me a list and at the top was - How is your life unmanageable? Unmanageable? Is it? I can't figure that out if it is or not.

Marc gave me a mantra " Fear to Faith" Some days I just get forgetful. It's really the best thing I've gleaned from life lately. Now I can laugh a bit at the absurdity my thinking seems to take. Surly am glad my four legged friends love me unconditionally.

Breakfast

thinking about the constraints of sharing the cats breakfast.

Breakfast

Monday, February 11, 2008

Romy's quite a ham




then and now.

Well here I am in the big city. The temperature is great. Feels good on my old bones. But, its smoggy. I have to go down to the Liver clinic a pick up my interferon for the next month. They still don't have it straightened out why it just doesn't come by parcel post.

Most of the the time, while I've been down here, I have been staying in and working on home work. It costs money to visit the city. I forgot about that. Even just driving around is expensive. It's a whole new mind sight from last year to this year. But at least I don't have to live out of garbage cans and sleep in the bushes.

I think the thing I miss the most being down here, is not having Pete here with me. He loves to go places and is the best company a girl could ask for. Unfortunately, the two dogs I'm staying with are just not very social. They have be trained Schutzhund, so that doesn't leave room for other dogs. I miss my little polka dot Pete.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Better

I think I have recovered from the mini mump. phishuuu. Glad that is over. This weekend I am going to house sit at Two Dogs place. Yippie, the big city. Culture, baby, culture.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Commpassion

Friday, I had a croissant for lunch. Who would think a croissant would hurt. But, youuuwww.. it did. and my face swelled up where the saliva gland is. Called my Doctor...gone for the week-end and so to urgent care. All these coughing, sick people blowing their germs about.. there was a note saying they should where masks if the where coughing, but no one was wearing a mask. They where blowing there nose in the masks. Ick. and I literately have no immune system because of the interferon. There was big piles of dirt on the floor.. from shoes.. and all the office stafff was just siting around laughing and telling jokes.

So I asked if I could wait in the car and would they please call me when my turn had come. The girl said," well where are you going to be?"

I, "In the parking lot".

An hour later, I noticed lots of sick people gone, and new ones there. Guess I missed my call.
Then I got the information taker. ....how much do you weigh, how old, and all my medical history. Then they put me in another room, I can hear everything and wait another hour. I am crying now, because this thing has doubled in size and really hurts.

Finally, the doctor. Every time I tell her something she all ready knows. Says she has been an emergency doctor for 20 years. With her long wrap around dress (I think it's supposed to be India, Indian, but more like ratty hippy) and her long grey , greasy hair in a pony. She told me to take 4 motrin at a time and suck lemon drops.

But Motion makes my gut hurt and lemon drops, not on your life without pain pills. No pain pills for me, after all , shes been a emergency room Doctor for twenty years and knows a drug seeker when she sees on.

I go home and try her method out. I figure if shes been an emergency room doctor for twenty years she must know something. But, as figured, all I ended up with was a stomach ache and my side my face looked like I had mumps. I put heat on it that might, like that experienced Doctor recommended. And got no sleep. In the morning I was in bad shape.

I called my liver Doctor in Phoenix and they said go to the emergency room fast. Seems like I have a plugged saliva duck and an infection. And now all my joints ache to boot. The Doctors in this emergency room have all my medical records about how bad my Hep-C is ( make a point of keeping them both informed) and they gave me antibiotics and said the pain meds would make it heal faster, not to mention more tolerable.

Today the swelling is gone but the joints still ache. I've stopped taking the pain pills because they don't work on whatever is wrong with my joints. Maybe I'll call that Doc with twenty years experience and see what she has too say.*X^%$_+. Actually, if I'm still as messed up by Wednesday I'll call my primary doctor because I'm do for blood work on Thursday.

This being sick is for the birds. I've never been sick in my life, now its just one thing after another. Very disheartening. I guess compassion is the word I am learning. Not just for all the sick people in the world today, but for all the ones that don't have a clue about being sick.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Cat Haikus sent to me by a friend and a picture by where I used to live in Oregon sent by same friend





Thanks Rick from Oregon


The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards
This pillow's taken.

Your mouth is moving
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

cold and windy


I just can't figure out how that bird can stand there flapping in the breeze. Breeze?? And he must have Kevlar feet wrapped in Thinsulate.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Down the Rabbit Hole

The sun is shining today, and although it is still only 32 degrees, I believe I'm going to brave the elements and take the dogs to the dog park. My mood is light today and I feel better then I have for a while.

Here is an excerpt from my writing class.
A 20 minute free writing exercise.

L.A., the land of the preternatural sunset, always invigorated the girl at that particular time of the day. The evening cool and the smog was no longer visually slathering the sky in a grey-yellow chalky smear. The time was ripening up like an old bushel of apples, the aromatic, excitement of good turning bad. Bad, certainly was in the eye of the beholder, a judgment call of right and wrong. How would those apple seeds ever sprout new trees laden with succulent fruit, if the rotting ceased to be.

The girl rolled out of bed onto the shaggy carpet and stretched her naked cat like body, sleep slowly crumbled from her eyes. Her head felt like the whole marching band was still playing feverishly in the confines of her cranium. Such was the result of way to many Harvey Wall Bangers the night before. The cure was moments away in the little vial in her purse. Maybe, if the fuzzy haired Italian that slept with her every night had not found it first. He wasn’t much for sharing.

As she scattered the contents of her purse on the floor, wiggling the toes in the shag, the contents of the vial twinkled out of the bottom of the Coach bag. The joy of the find set up euphoria and relief that erupted in every cell of her body. Her head rolled slightly to the side and drool formed in the corners of her pouty tender lips. Somewhere a saxophone played a mournful Charlie Parker tune, inspiring her self inflicted angst.


I am a slow typist!




Monday, January 28, 2008

Writing, writing and more writing


I started an online creative writing class today givin though the local community college. I out age them by 30 years. It's gonna be interesting. but I do like the on line presentation. I really like laying in bed and doing my assignments. There are days I just can't muster up what it takes to get dressed and act like I'm fine. Today was one of those days.


Sunday, January 27, 2008

dream

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Pete puts his foot down...


....and demands dinner.



I asked Great Spirit to take away my habit.
Great Spirit said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked Great Spirit to make my handicapped child whole.
Great Spirit said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked Great Spirit to grant me patience.
Great Spirit said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked Great Spirit to give me happiness.
Great Spirit said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked Great Spirit to spare me pain.
Great Spirit said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked Great Spirit to make my spirit grow.
Great Spirit said, No.
You must grow on your own!
But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked Great Spirit for all things that I might enjoy life.
Great Spirit said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask Great Spirit to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves
me.
Great Spirit said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.


THIS DAY IS YOURS DON'T THROW IT AWAY

May Great Spirit Bless You,
"To the world you might be one person, but to one
person you just might be the world"

Monday, January 21, 2008

Just little ole me in 1971


Luci Blu and I are curled up on my bed, listening to some vaguely familiar violin concerto. As I read the blogs I am transported to other places and other times. I am especially intrigued by the LA stories. They send me back in time too a place....

...when I was really thinking I had life by the tail. After all the insanity that had transpired in Denver, circa 1970, I headed out to California. with my best g-friend, Silver. We tossed a coin-NYC or LA. It 10 degrees in NYC that day, same as Denver. And it was balmy in LA. They had just had a big earth quake and for us, earthquakes sounded so exotic, adventurous, something to behold.

So off we went with our well practiced thumbs in tow and a few changes of cloths, our best hippy shit. We had friends there. They had been in Denver last year stirring up many prankster adventures that quite tickled our fancy. They told us stories of the Strip, the Whiskey, the pacific ocean, Pandora's box, riots, luv -ins.....We were captives of our vivid imaginations.

We would head south first and catch the better weather. By the time we hit Raton Pass a blizzard had stopped us in our tracks. We were stranded in a Mom and Pops taco shop, along with 6 other stranded travelers who, I might add, had been there camping on the floor for a few days, due to the inclement weather. They had been all put to work for their room and board, cleaning the place spic and span. Cleaning, dear readers, was not Silver and my forté.

Just about that time a big brougham Cadillac with Mexican plates pulled in. The two Vaquero's driving were long tall talking about that Caddy. No pinchi snow storm would stop them even for a minute. Mexico City was their home and they had been away far to long. they certainly could extend the hospitaliy of the caddy to a couple off lovely ladies such as Silver and I.

By the time we got to Santa Fe it was dinner time and Mariachi time and then, of course bedtime. As we were always up for an adventure we would worry about the bedtime thing later. We had plenty of tricks up our sleeves. And what a wild wonderful time we had. These two loco boys from Mexico really new how to party. And I, the sheltered girl from Podunk, USA was absolutely taken with the cultural diversity, not to mention the tequila.

And as the evening wore on and that sticky subject of sleep started to hang thick in the air, the question was posed. We were lucky chickie's that evening. Even though we were as far from ladies as two young girls could be, we weren't ready for an amorous tryst with these much older men. And again luck would be on us and the two men turned out to be real gentlemen and got us a room of our own and a ride the next day to Albuquerque where we would part ways. We did consider heading to MC with them but we figured not knowing the language might be a hindrance to our ability to have fun.

It was cold in Albuquerque, our poor little thumbs were about to crack. And then a shiny white vehicle pulled over and hmmmm , what did they say? Get in? They were a couple of guys from Cuba??? and as we didn't speak the language and they had a rather sketchy handle on our lanuage, much was missed. but it was a ride. LA is a word we all understood. We were heading to Hollywood where our friends lived and they were going to Long Beach. I tryed to see how that looked on the map. Unfortunately the map was in my head. And my head was hung over.

We ended up in Bell Gardens, somewhere in South Central Los Angeles at a gas station at 3 a.m. We tryed to figure out how we could get out of these seemingly unsafe neighborhood. Found a map on the gas station wall. Geezz... the attendant was nothing but negative, thought we were nuts. A truck pulled in and he was going to the loading docks in downtown LA. He said he could get a load going our way and drop us off. So may hours later, we were dropped off at our friends house by Gardner and Santa Monica. What a sight we were, frazzled and quite askew, Climbing out off a Peterbilt. Style'n baby, Styl'n.

And so begins eight years off the wildest, craziest, years of my life. I still have many fond memories of those years. Or maybe it is just euphoric recall. But every time I've been back I always leave longing to stay. But other adventures have always taken priority. They say you can never go back. I wouldn't know because I never have, accept as a tourist.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Found on Madame Yu See's Blog

It's the latest, greatest, blog-friend game, spreading through the Blogosphere to a blog near you:

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle. (Betcha' didn't think someone my age even HAD an iPod, did you!)

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
Questions start below the line.
______________________________________

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
Close to Heaven Vivian Khor Paradise


HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Spiritus Lenis/ Gentle Breath Riyliy Lee Music for Zen meditation


WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Give it Away Red Hot Chili Peppers

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Peer Gynt Suite Grieg


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Master of Disaster John Hiatt


WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Howl’n down the Cumberland John Hiatt

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Coat is always on Cat Power


WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I Missed the Point Neco Case

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
The Great Prince of Peace and Universal Compassion Nawang Khegong


WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Words Lucinda Williams

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Faith Shawn Mullins


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Walking the shining earth R. Carlos Nikai & William Eaton


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Daily Prayer and Practice of the Dalai Lama Nawang Khechog


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
The Guests Laurie Anderson on A tribute Leonard Cohen


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Taking People Cat Power


WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Jingle Bells James Taylor

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Concerto for Violin, Strings , and Harpsichord Vivaldi


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Water and Air Cat Power


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Building Healthy Lifestyles: Anna Schwatz PHD Arizona State University


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Love and Happiness Mark Knopfler and Emmy Lou Harris


WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Symphony # 40 in G minor Mozart

Thursday, January 17, 2008

the other thing

I'm also doing a low dose of interferon to keep the hep-c at bay until a liver shows up with my name on it. about a 50/50 on that. And of course I have all the physical crapolla that comes along with it.

What are the possible side effects?

The most common side effects of PEGASYS and COPEGUS are:

  • Flu-like symptoms (including fever, chills, muscle aches, joint pain, headaches)
  • Tiredness
  • Upset stomach (like nausea, taste changes, diarrhea)
  • Blood sugar problems (may lead to diabetes)
  • Skin problems (like rash, dry or itchy skin, redness and swelling at injection site)
  • Hair loss (temporary)
  • Trouble sleeping

The most serious side effects of PEGASYS and COPEGUS are:


  • Mental health problems (such as irritability, depression, anxiety, aggressiveness, trouble with drug addiction or overdose, thoughts about suicide, suicide attempts, suicide and thoughts about homicide)
  • Blood problems (like a drop in blood cells leading to increased risk for infections, bleeding and/or heart or circulatory problems)
  • Infections (which sometimes cause death)
  • Lung problems (like trouble breathing, pneumonia)
  • Eye problems (like blurred vision, loss of vision)
  • Autoimmune problems (such as psoriasis, thyroid problems)
  • Heart problems (including chest pain and, rarely, a heart attack)
  • Liver problems (rarely, liver function worsens). Patients with both the hepatitis C virus and HIV can have an increased chance of having liver failure during PEGASYS treatment. Change in a blood test that measures liver inflammation occurs more often in patients with hepatitis B. If you have a rise in this blood test you may need to be watched more closely with additional blood tests.
Lucky me, I have most of this. but it is getting less annoying with time. Mostly I'm depressed. Antidepressants are not an option for me. some of my dear friends that remember back to days of old and my run in with the antidepressants. OOOOOOOOO.

I hate to whine, so when I'm in this self - centered mememe mode, I just don't post.

but I want people to hear about Hep-c. I want people to know that it's out there and most people don't even know they have it. 1 in 10.

Heres a link for more information and what we can do about Hepatitis C.

American Liver Foundation

Heres the deal with me on the physical plane

Cirrhosis of the Liver


The liver, the largest organ in the body, is essential in keeping the body functioning properly. It removes or neutralizes poisons from the blood, produces immune agents to control infection, and removes germs and bacteria from the blood. It makes proteins that regulate blood clotting and produces bile to help absorb fats and fat-soluble vitamins. You cannot live without a functioning liver.

In cirrhosis of the liver, scar tissue replaces normal, healthy tissue, blocking the flow of blood through the organ and preventing it from working as it should. Cirrhosis is the twelfth leading cause of death by disease, killing about 26,000 people each year. Also, the cost of cirrhosis in terms of human suffering, hospital costs, and lost productivity is high.

Causes

Cirrhosis has many causes. In the United States, chronic alcoholism and hepatitis C are the most common ones.

Chronic hepatitis C. The hepatitis C virus ranks with alcohol as a major cause of chronic liver disease and cirrhosis in the United States. Infection with this virus causes inflammation of and low grade damage to the liver that over several decades can lead to cirrhosis.

There are other causes but not in this story.

My symptoms are in red

Symptoms

Many people with cirrhosis have no symptoms in the early stages of the disease. However, as scar tissue replaces healthy cells, liver function starts to fail and a person may experience the following symptoms:

  • exhaustion

  • fatigue

  • loss of appetite

  • nausea

  • weakness

  • weight loss

  • abdominal pain

  • spider-like blood vessels (spider angiomas) that develop on the skin
As the disease progresses, complications may develop. In some people, these may be the first signs of the disease.

Complications of Cirrhosis

Loss of liver function affects the body in many ways. Following are the common problems, or complications, caused by cirrhosis.

Edema and ascites. When the liver loses its ability to make the protein albumin, water accumulates in the legs (edema) and abdomen (ascites).

Bruising and bleeding. When the liver slows or stops production of the proteins needed for blood clotting, a person will bruise or bleed easily. The palms of the hands may be reddish and blotchy with palmar erythema.

Jaundice. Jaundice is a yellowing of the skin and eyes that occurs when the diseased liver does not absorb enough bilirubin.

Itching. Bile products deposited in the skin may cause intense itching.

Gallstones. If cirrhosis prevents bile from reaching the gallbladder, gallstones may develop.

Toxins in the blood or brain. A damaged liver cannot remove toxins from the blood, causing them to accumulate in the blood and eventually the brain. There, toxins can dull mental functioning and cause personality changes, coma, and even death. Signs of the buildup of toxins in the brain include neglect of personal appearance, unresponsiveness, forgetfulness, trouble concentrating, or changes in sleep habits.

Sensitivity to medication. Cirrhosis slows the liver's ability to filter medications from the blood. Because the liver does not remove drugs from the blood at the usual rate, they act longer than expected and build up in the body. This causes a person to be more sensitive to medications and their side effects.

Portal hypertension. Normally, blood from the intestines and spleen is carried to the liver through the portal vein. But cirrhosis slows the normal flow of blood through the portal vein, which increases the pressure inside it. This condition is called portal hypertension.

Varices. When blood flow through the portal vein slows, blood from the intestines and spleen backs up into blood vessels in the stomach and esophagus. These blood vessels may become enlarged because they are not meant to carry this much blood. The enlarged blood vessels, called varices, have thin walls and carry high pressure, and thus are more likely to burst. If they do burst, the result is a serious bleeding problem in the upper stomach or esophagus that requires immediate medical attention.

Insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes. Cirrhosis causes resistance to insulin. This hormone, produced by the pancreas, enables blood glucose to be used as energy by the cells of the body. If you have insulin resistance, your muscle, fat, and liver cells do not use insulin properly. The pancreas tries to keep up with the demand for insulin by producing more. Eventually, the pancreas cannot keep up with the body's need for insulin, and type 2 diabetes develops as excess glucose builds up in the bloodstream.

Liver cancer. Hepatocellular carcinoma, a type of liver cancer commonly caused by cirrhosis, starts in the liver tissue itself. It has a high mortality rate. (not yet but because I have a high alpha-fetoprotein number, it's probably just a matter of time).

Tumor marker

Like any elevated tumor marker, elevated AFP by itself is not diagnostic, only suggestive. Tumor markers are used primarily to monitor the result of a treatment (e.g. chemotherapy). If levels of AFP go down after treatment, the tumor is not growing. In the case of babies, after treatment AFP should go down faster than it would normally. A temporary increase in AFP immediately following chemotherapy may indicate not that the tumor is growing but rather that it is shrinking (and releasing AFP as the tumor cells die). AFP-L3, an isoform of AFP which binds Lens culinaris agglutinin, can be particularly useful in early identification of aggressive tumors associated with hepatocellular carcinoma (HCC).


Problems in other organs. Cirrhosis can cause immune system dysfunction, leading to infection. Fluid in the abdomen (ascites) may become infected with bacteria normally present in the intestines. Cirrhosis can also lead to impotence, kidney dysfunction and failure, and osteoporosis.




Treatment

Liver damage from cirrhosis cannot be reversed, but treatment can stop or delay further progression and reduce complications. Treatment depends on the cause of cirrhosis and any complications a person is experiencing. For example, cirrhosis caused by alcohol abuse is treated by abstaining from alcohol. Treatment for hepatitis-related cirrhosis involves medications used to treat the different types of hepatitis, such as interferon for viral hepatitis and corticosteroids for autoimmune hepatitis. Cirrhosis caused by Wilson disease, in which copper builds up in organs, is treated with medications to remove the copper. These are just a few examples—treatment for cirrhosis resulting from other diseases depends on the underlying cause. In all cases, regardless of the cause, following a healthy diet and avoiding alcohol are essential because the body needs all the nutrients it can get, and alcohol will only lead to more liver damage. Light physical activity can help stop or delay cirrhosis as well.

Treatment will also include remedies for complications. For example, for ascites and edema, the doctor may recommend a low-sodium diet or the use of diuretics, which are drugs that remove fluid from the body. Antibiotics will be prescribed for infections, and various medications can help with itching. Protein causes toxins to form in the digestive tract, so eating less protein will help decrease the buildup of toxins in the blood and brain. The doctor may also prescribe laxatives to help absorb the toxins and remove them from the intestines.

For portal hypertension, the doctor may prescribe a blood pressure medication such as a beta-blocker. If varices bleed, the doctor may either inject them with a clotting agent or perform a so-called rubber-band ligation, which uses a special device to compress the varices and stop the bleeding.

When complications cannot be controlled or when the liver becomes so damaged from scarring that it completely stops functioning, a liver transplant is necessary. In liver transplantation surgery, a diseased liver is removed and replaced with a healthy one from an organ donor. About 80 to 90 percent of patients survive liver transplantation. Survival rates have improved over the past several years because of drugs such as cyclosporine and tacrolimus, which suppress the immune system and keep it from attacking and damaging the new liver.



Thank You Med Net


The first chakra


Chakra One:
Earth, Physical identity, oriented to self-preservation

Located at the base of the spine, this chakra forms our foundation. It represents the element earth, and is therefore related to our survival instincts, and to our sense of grounding and connection to our bodies and the physical plane. Ideally this chakra brings us health, prosperity, security, and dynamic presence.



Anodea Judith



Wednesday, January 09, 2008

moment in time

In Denver Colorado,thirty seven years ago on a blizzardy early a.m. a young girl hitchhikes to the hospital to drop a baby off. The Baby has been in her belly for eight and a half months and although nine months is recommended, this baby was not willing to stay on the womb any longer. It was hazardous and uncomfortable certainly. Who could blame this infant for wanting out.

Drug addicts are intensely self centered people. Often broken by things that karma delivered on their door step. Who could know. The mother of this child only wanted to do the right thing. Knowing, intuitively that life would not be changing any time soon, she had contacted an adoption agency, put her trust in a god she was not really sure about, and found the child a loving family to raise her up in a fashion such as children should be raised. When the mother looked into the now born infants eyes, an indescribable feeling of love took place. This mother did not feel worthy of the responsibility of such a love.

Many years passed before these two would meet again. And when they did, the mother felt a bond of kinship and love that even twenty five years apart couldn't wash away. they talked and learned of each other, it was like looking in the mirror. They promised to always stay in touch. Though marrages and divorces, birth and death these two shared hope and sorrow. Like very close people do.

But at some point the mother came to a roadblock. Who knows why. Feelings of not being enough were becoming overwhelming. And another death blew through the older womans life. She slowly withdrew, knowing it was not the right thing, but incapable of anything else. Self centered and godless as addicts often are. Maybe more so when drugs are not an option and faith far from the scene.

And then illness crept slowly, doing its dirty tricks to a not so old but yet ancient soul. The cure, elusive and treatment dubious. What would one say, " I just called to tell you I may be dieing soon, and thought I might like the dervish that I am, step one more time into your life just to leave again?

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Out of the quagmire rock album meme

I found this fun little project on Asha's blog who found it on Roy's blog.

Asha says,
"As he wrote, his turned out to be "eerily appropriate" and it seems mine did too. He got it from UV, who found it at Mini-Obs and so on. According to the inexplicable whims of fate, the name of my band is The Bounds of Sense and this is our album cover. As you can see, we are a force to be reckoned with. And who are you?"



Instructions:
1. The first article title on the Wikipedia Random Articles page is the name of your band.

2. The last four words of the very last quotation on the Random Quotations page is the title of your album.

3. Any appropriate picture in Flickr's Creative Commons licensed photos will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result. c'mon budding cover art designers - give it a try!

Seems to fit right in with all my way off of plum attempts at blogging found on The First Chakra these days.


Random words from random quotes as picked by the mouse.

Ever died from pleasure
it does not exist
isn't perfection but progress
to not follow your heart?

might as well fall flat
fear of not having lived
Nothing is permanent
Don't stay long

is walking distance if
feast it with bad
wrong than to do
we will get to sleep

were such a splendid
lives begin to end
as I hate peanuts
life is a chance

will get the blame
Sharing food with another
comes from squandering ourselves
come in very handy.

dale wells




Sunday, January 06, 2008

Friday, January 04, 2008

baby picture

Been away, been sleeping my life away. 2 dogs blogged for me as that was whose couch I Zonked out on. I was sure I would come back with a million pictures but mostly all I have is dreams. Makes sense. I just love her "one wrong move kind of attitude" dogs. Like the dog of my childhood. And when I wasn't sleeping we ate and partied a bit. all and all, my trip to Phoenix was a success.

sorry, no pictures. Heres an moldy oldy

Monday, December 31, 2007


I dreamt of Magdaline,
She dreamt of me
Sisters in sorrow
Sisters in life.
the daily battle of Armageddon arm and arm
skipping as children often do
the light of some god goes beside us
as they often do

Friday, December 28, 2007

chop lickin' daydream

I know how you feel Pete

I just want to snap out of it


But the "its" are avalanching down. My friend got cancer for Christmas. Not fair. She has a son and a grandson to raise. And her brother is oh so ill now. One of my best friends. So now I have necklaces to make as he requested one.

And I must knit myself a hat. It's just so cold here to me. I hate cold ears. My kid friends got me a hat and scarf for Christmas, thinking it would help. But they are polyester. Makes my teeth chatter just thinking about it.

But I won't go on here with my tales of woe. but I must add that my Doctor, after looking at my back x-rays thinks sky diving will no longer be on my list of things to do. Nor will motor biking. but kitties sleeping on my feet is on the plus list. Right on Luci Blu.

And my dear friend has returned to Phoenix. A delight she is and a grounding factor in my crazy head. As soon as my meds arrive in the mail, I'm heading south for few days. I have an appointment with my social worker. he has some ideas about reeducating me as my Doctor has hairdresser on my list of no mores. Also am going to let him talk to the credit card people. After a year of existing on them I'm a bit in the rears. can't have that at 55.

and then , I am so sad about Benazir Bhuttos Assassination. Karma, sometimes, just seems more like a heavy handed rotton drunk pervert, then a way of life. Maybe today, I best remember, earth has know sorrow that heaven can not heal. And leave it at that.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Bruno


Just me and my dog

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

the town I lived in till I was 8

My Mother and I walked here almost every day to check the mail. The post mistress always had a Hershey bite for me. I loved being alive then. when my parents weren't scraping it up about something, life was good. I skied in the winter and rode horses in the summer. can't beat that.

naughty or nice?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Monday, December 17, 2007

Can't think of anything good to say my self

So I swiped this of of dAAves site.



Dump Those Negative Habits Now!
by Mark Victor Hansen

If you want to distance yourself from the masses and enjoy a rich and unique lifestyle, understand this - your habits will determine your future. The fact is, if you keep on doing things a certain way, you will get a predictable result. That's the simple law of Cause and Effect.

Successful habits create positive rewards.
Negative habits breed negative consequences.

If you want to enjoy longevity, you must have healthy habits. If you are in the habit of starving your most important relationships of time, energy and love, how can you expect a happy outcome? If you spend money on the fly or don't save any money, your bad habits will lead you to a never-ending cycle of work.


Shift yourself out of your bad habits. Fortunately, you can jump from this bad habits path anytime you want. It's a very simple process - it just takes some applied focus.


Here's the step-by-step process I recommend:
Clearly identify your bad or unproductive habits. Write them down.

a) Be specific.
b) Remember to consider the long-term consequences should you continue in this bad habit. As an example, a couple cigarettes a day may not seem like much, but after 10 years, the buildup of having smoked 7,300 cigarettes remains in your system.
c) Consider habits at home, in your communications and relations with others, at work, in your driving habits, in your free time, and in matters related to your physical, emotional and spiritual health.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Friday, December 14, 2007

leaping lu

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1393664287

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Snow zone


They know if you've been bad or good
So be good for good for goodness sake.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Sunday, December 09, 2007

The International School of Minnesota


"What a crazy sight to see;
Why they're bigger than the tree;
Eating berries for their lunch;
Who is this wild bunch? The turkeys of ISM."

CB




The resident turkeys of The International School of Minnesota enjoy a lunch of berries from a small tree near the front entrance.

Thought snipits



Well what do you know. I feel almost normal today. I think, it's hard to remember what that is. I got up early and had waffle and cranberry goat cheese with cinnamon. A splash of green tea. I built a fire in the fire place, emptied the dishwasher, brushed my teeth and then I was tired. I took the tea and curled up with Luci Blu and NPR.

All the news I'll ever need. maybe to much, but Sunday Baroque will fix all that. On the news, they had done an interview with a female interrogator from Guantanamo. Soul searching for her, gutwrenching for me. She found redemption thru acceptance. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16993136
Its funny how the mind works, as she spoke of her clients as murderers and rapists. Bet they believe in their own redemption too. As do I. At least something akin to it. At least think I do. And hope for my own sort of epiphany. At least I think I do.

I seem to rap my teeth around every thought I have until my mental jaws hurt. Probably need a hobby. One that doesn't take alot of money or effort, which I have little of either. Luci Blu has the right idea. she eats (loves to eat) has a momentary spurt of catharsis at warp speed and then curls up on the DVR player to nap. Its warm and it vibrates. Her own personal kitty vibrating bed. Silly girl.

My biggest problem with hobbies is I loose interest faster than a, well , fast. yesterday I watched a quilting show so i wanted to do that. I have bags of scraps of cloth I've been collecting for years. I think I just like to collect and live in my head. Just the thought of pulling out my sewing machine has me running for the couch. Did I say run? Ha!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Monday, December 03, 2007

Thursday, November 29, 2007

love

you don't like how small your room is you know where you can go, cause beggars can't be choosers.

I just want to go home

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Pete



Just thought I'd scream.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

another blue eyed kitty


A slice of the past to take the edge off my mood. Its just for to hard to identify, to nail it down and send it packen' . I'll just snatch a flik from a better yesterday.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanks Giving


Marks Art

check out the rest of his fabulous work clik on Marks Art.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Saturday, November 17, 2007

looking at the dog



the song raised questions

the road disappeared around the bend

and the sun was reaching for the night.

House cleaning


I'm going to make an attempt to clean house today. Thats what I do to cover the rent I can't afford to pay anymore. That and cooking dinner. Its worked out so far. Not that I like cleaning house mind you, but I surly couldn't find a job anywhere else where I can work a bit and lay down for awhile. Up until now that hasn't even been the case but the interferon, this first week, has really knocked me down. Hopefully this will pass soon.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Watching the show


Watching an Apache K-9 unit officer shout German commands to a Belgian shepherd to take down a white guy. A most diverse and fascinating performance at our little dog show. As you can see, Pete would rather pan the crowd for dog friends.

Monday, November 12, 2007

I am soo fricken' sick today I can't believe it. This Morning I thought I was gonna fall out of bed shaking from the chills. So I ate a motrin and drank a liter of water and Kev turned up the heat in the house. It must have really been cold as the cat was sleeping under the covers on my chest.

Just incase anyone really does read this and wonders why I may quit posting so much for a while. I think it will get better though as the week trudges on. I guess WriMo just might have to wait till next year unless I feel significantly better.

The last time I did this treatment I didn't really start to feel bad until about 6 months. I was even working then 40, sometimes more, a week and driving to and fro 45 minutes each way. I guess thats what happens in 3 years. :+P

Friday, November 09, 2007

here I am busy again


I told myself I was going to cut back on all my volunteer work, but it seems like I have a hard time saying no. I just forget I don't have the energy to be the ever ready bunny anymore. My book writing dropped to a trickle. I hope I can catch up.

Luci Blu went to the vet a few days ago to get rid of her farts and what do yo know, she was ready to go into heat. Se turned out to be older than anyone would have guessed. She just a small cat. So she got spayed on the spot Wednesday. She is not supposed to jump and of course the the first thing she did is leap up into my loft bed. So I put her in the big cage I used when Pete was recovering. She is like a little monkey swinging from the top of the cage, knocking over her water, rolling in her clumping kitty litter, spilling her cat food. What a mess. So I have been lifting her in and out of my bed, this means I have to stay in my room and wait for her to decide what she wants to do next.

The big dog park bash is tomorrow and I'm doing the coffee. Get the coffee urns from business I asked to donate the coffee. Borrow hot pots, buy coffee cups and cream and sugar, Get a money box.... Get there at 7:30 am. Tonight I have a presentation to give and won't get home till 10pm. I suppose I'll have to put Luci in the cage so she can do her monkey act will I'm gone.

Some friends have invited us over for dinner after the love your pet thing. Yea. Love somebody else's cooking. And next Sunday We are going to do a motorcycle toy run. I'm going to start interferon treatment this Sunday evening. And I really want to finish the NaNoWriMo. I was depressed for a minute but decided I really was a lucky person to have so many things to do. I'm certain there are many worse scenarios for my life right now and if I focus in on the negative thats just what I'll get. So I readjusted my thinking and things got better.

Like my flyer I made?

Thursday, November 08, 2007

John Coltrane :: Alabama :: Jazz Casual

[via FoxyTunes / John Coltrane]

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

the Raven

well here I sit, blogging. Lurking. My Writers group has chosen to meet at a very noisy java joint with wifi. I think I am more of a loner writter.The food is good. The company is good. but I can't keep my eyes an ears focused on my book, It isn't as nice as Comma coffee but that might not be a far comparison.

My friend cam over to visit Luci Blu and we found out just how feral she is. Like lightning she disappeared to the deep dark corner on my room. I didn't even know it existed. Like a worm whole. she popped back in about twenty minutes later and now that Noel was gone she was back to being her little sweet self. Goood kitty. She is more tolerant of the the dogs then people.

She goes to the vet tomorrow and I hope they can fix her fart problem. I know, TMI, but...

well back to the great american novel.

Monday, November 05, 2007

2000 words


well its time to stop petting my pussy and lurking about on the internet. And start typing 2000 words.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Paying homage to princess Luci Blu

I've been totaly rapt up in NaNoWriMo. And my new kitten. the dogs come in and pay homage to the princess kitty. When she is on the chair (as opposed to my loft bed) they get so excited because they can almost touch her. She lets them know that isn't gonna happen. Just with the look from her icey blue eyes they know this.

They are like little school boys taking a peak at the new most beautiful girl in the class room. Peaking around the corner and waging their tails and then run off. All to do it again in about 5 minutes and rush off to the living room as if to discuss with each other what they have just seem.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

My muse

NaNoWriMo

Well I have managed to write 1.980 words. I wrote for 2 hours last night (after midnight) and 4 hours today. I just couldn't stand some of the errors (and there was many) so I spent another hour cleaning it up a bit. My new cat has been a big help. She seems to have a gas (MMM) problem. Or is that TMI?

I think Pete is jealous so I have to spend so quality time with him. A few extra training sessions and maybe a trip to Office Max. He likes doing therapy there while I print up flyer's for the dog park. He had a cou;le of little girls captivated the other day. Pet Pet Pet.

Snack Time