JPG Magazine: MsB

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

getting geared up

Well my new house closes on Friday the 13th. Always had an affinity with that day. Like two negatives make a positive. At least in the world of old math. Who knows in the world of new math what ever that is. The New Math. Could that be quantum theory as opposed to Newtonian Thought? Red shift or blue shift? apples versus oranges?

My significant other is buying me a new stove, fridge, and dishwasher. Good kitchen gear. I get to do the painting of the walls. Its so unreal to me. Like someone else's life and I get to live it. I think I'll grow roses too.

Monday, March 26, 2007

late night

happy pictures

another late nite picture

and it also makes me happy

late nite picture

I just love this picture. It makes me happy

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Who'll stop the rain

A little rain in Arizona is a good thing. makes the grass green, helps lessen the the fire danger, cools down the temperature, no static in my hair, my skin doesn't feel like parchment, makes everything smell good. So why is it I start getting depressed when a little wet weather blows thru the area?
I spent 22 years in Oregon and by the time I left I was in such an emotional funk I wasn't sure if I would survive it. I had a great support group, wonderful friends, a thriving buisness, but happeness eluded me. Of course not all was good. I had been diagnosed with Hep-C, and my husband was dying of lung cancer. when the rain would come...
Sort of an uneuphoric recall in my sub-concious feelings. The tendency is to just be depressed. Painfull, unrelenting. But when I take a closer look I can see it isn't just the rain but body recall that sends me down. I can work with at. Visualizing better times when I was younger and rain was a good thing. How that felt to be happy in the rain. Just knowing where the depression comes from helps and that it won't last forever.
Jeez, who would have thought that so much good could come with a bit of rain. A deeper relationshp with inner self that is usually buried to deep to touch. Today I can pick it apart as it surfaces, because I sick and tired of suffering. Today I have surrendered to the rain and became willing to brave the storm of emotions it evokes then trust the process that I won't, what, die? Guess it really isn't about drugs anymore.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Me ME me

I officially made the liver transplant list. My meld is only 11 so that gives me plenty of time to gear up for the big event. The alpha-fetoprotein does appear to be low but if that number jumps they would test for liver cancer and if liver cancer and it isn't to big, I would get a liver much sooner. Hope not though. I want to keep this liver as long as I can.

I thought I might put a picture up of a liver that looks like mine but decided to spare everyone as it probably only interesting to me. Really its a bit gross. Really its alot gross. What was I thinking. I'm glad I've gained a bit of impulse control today and I'm sure anyone how reads this is too. I must have done a bit of damage to the frontal lobes back in the day especially considering back in the day started when I was 13 long before I had a relationship with impulse control.

Today I send my life doing things to put back into life that which I had depleted. Its a work in progress and I may need many lifetimes to accomplish the ideal. Sometimes I find myself in the mist of another self serving debacle. Especially when my frontal lobes are snoozing with the "me me me" child up and running amok. Somewhere a little voice says "think it thru". The voice sounds quite reminiscent of my first sponsor.

Even this post seems a bit on the edge of to much information but who knows. The act of sharing of myself is what has kept me clean over the years. I've shared infinitely more and then this. And then there are times I just sit in quite reflection hearing the beat of the universe. Today the picture is on of rebirth. It is a little tree poking its head up where there had been a fire last year. I'm sure metaphors abound. Today is not my day to pick them out.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Slice of life

As I lay here on the couch surfing away and thinking about a possible move next month, my eyes are surfing all my belongings. Namely the book shelves. So many books so little time. And I haven't even read half of what is on the shelves(not to mention all the ones I have not unpacked since I moved to AZ).

Whats up with that? And I can't pass a B&N without buying another jewel for my collection. And my Ipod is stuffed, 30 gigs with very little music, missed episodes of Dirt, AND books on mp3. I fact I am currently on the website anticipating the next great find. My wish list at amazon is chauk full tasty books I have lusted at in the past but couldn't justifying forking out the funds.

I know this far surpasses my obsessive - compulsive personality or my need to KNOW or even a desire to escape my present relative condition. It goes deep, deep, deep. Like the nautilus of the subconscious laying at the bottom of primordial oooos.

First memory's of books - my mother reading to me for hours while my grumpy father was at work. Bliss! warm, cosy, rocking on my mothers lap with the sun streaming in the window warming my little soul. Or me reading the books I new by heart and the new books I invented i with the special language of three year olds.

As I got older it was a red letter day when I was given permission to walk uptown with my allowance to by a Nancy Drew and have lunch at Kreskies. The smell of a new book was so exquisite in my 8 year old brain. I could spend hours touching, feeling, smelling the new books on the shelves. As my young life was riddled with socially uncomfortable moments, bookshopping was a time I cherished to the max.

Latter on in my LA Daze, I found a bookstore on Fairfax that sold books and SHOES. Nirvana -almost as good as dope. Fancy me toting a new book and stylin' down the street in my new Mootzie Tootzes. Some of the books on my shelf at this moment are from that store. Can't say as much for the shoes that seemed to have the shelf life of style.

Many years later when I got my first computer( it had Quattro Pro) I entered the disarray of my finances into the program and found I spent more on reading material than I did on every thing else put together. OOOOO Yikes says I hope they don't repo my books in the bankruptcy. Anything but the books.

but I think what really puzzles me the most is how did I manage to shlep all those books around with me for all these years. From state to state and back. Often times my only form of transportation was my thumb. i still have my original copy of the Lord of the Rings when it first came out. I remember reading it on many an on ramp back in the day.

Ah yes. but what is life really. Just another book that hasn't been written yet.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Sniff

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Sometimes your the windshield and sometimes your the Bug

Sounds like a loosing prospect all the way around. Went to small claims court last Wednesday and got the results of the case in the mail yesterday. Ziltch, Zippo, Nill. Oh well, I really saved a nice dogs life. Made a promise as he layed there close to death that I would do everything I could to make him well. So thats on me. And I always have to remember I usually get what I pay for. Next time I'll choose a vet that cares. Not the neuter clinic in a van where I have no relationship with the vet.

Went to my Hep-C support group last night and I was about Hep-C and Ayurveda. What great stuff. How to balance Pitta(fire) which is what happens when the liver goes south. Avoid the usual suspects; alcohol,cigarettes, drugs, chemicals, ect... but what was interesting was foods to avoid; Tofu, pickles, tomatoes... to much acidity heats up the already to firey liver. Tumeric, cardomon, celantro, mint, all cooling.

And I still am not sure if I'm on the liver transplant list. At my last Drs visit he said I was but then I was called for onr more blood test so they "would have the most current info to send to my insurance company. Geez if it isn't one thing its another. Well like my friend said on her blog, "Just like winter, when I'm feeling defeated or depressed, spring is usually right around the corner if I can just hang on." check it out. recovery orientated based on 12 step programs.

and of course I nee to find a pic. Something else I am invoved in is getting a dogpark in our communitee and this is a picture of Pete getting sniffed up by one of the cute girls. Aren't dogs funny? Weelll maybe another post might be in order cause add image isn't working right now

until next time