JPG Magazine: MsB

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Fear to faith

Last night I dreamed I was normal again, or what ever normal was for me. It was great. Then I woke up, I was back to this state of exhaustion, cold, pain, that has slipped over my life ssslllooowwlly in the last however long. I enjoyed the reprieve. My house is warm in the morning as my boyfriend gets ready for work, he flips the heat switch on. He said it will be 65 degrees in Phoenix today. Maybe I should go to Phoenix, thinks I. Like that will give me a boost. You see, we don't turn the heat on in the daytime when he's not here because he pays the bills. He doesn't want to waste money. Maybe I'm supposed to meditate on how warm it is in Phoenix.

I spoke with my Father a few days ago. He broke his leg and at 87 thats a tough thing. Right now he is in a rest home doing physical therapy and .... when he gets out he will go to his 2 new daughters house to recoup. Two new Daughters? Whats wrong with your two old daughters? What about your girlfriends, the one yo are going to by a new house for? Well, my sister will be going there to see whats up. I said I would come up but he wants to be alone with my sister because he doesn't know her very well. (My Mother walked before she was born. Guess she figured one abused daughter was enough.

Its a good thing I don't have to base my opinion of myself on the imagination of others. But I am damn cold. BF lets me stay in a room in his house if I cook and clean and do the laundry. But I only get heat when he's home. Oh, he did say I could build a fire today. I lived with wood heat for 16 years, 13 of that alone. I do know about fires. But the wood he scavenged out of the forest this time takes a blow torch to start. REALLY. Thats how he has been starting it.And then it doesn't put out much heat. Like me :+) So today I'm in my warm elevated bed and when I get up, I just bundle up. Was gonna clean the house but not today. It might warm up or stay warm in here, but just about everything in AZ is build on a concrete slab. Just sucks the warm right out of the house.

"In the world there are two kinds of tragedies. One is not getting what one wants. The other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde (Found on the Junky's Wife.)

I think theres a third tragedy... not knowing what one wants. I don't have a clue anymore. It just doesn't compute. I used to be able to figure it out and do what needed to be done. My latest in a long line of sponsors gave me a list and at the top was - How is your life unmanageable? Unmanageable? Is it? I can't figure that out if it is or not.

Marc gave me a mantra " Fear to Faith" Some days I just get forgetful. It's really the best thing I've gleaned from life lately. Now I can laugh a bit at the absurdity my thinking seems to take. Surly am glad my four legged friends love me unconditionally.


jb said...

Beechwood fires are bright and clear
If the logs are kept a year,
Chestnut's only good they say,
If for logs 'tis laid away.
Make a fire of Elder tree,
Death within your house will be;
But ash new or ash old,
Is fit for a queen with crown of gold.
Birch and fir logs burn too fast
Blaze up bright and do not last,
it is by the Irish said
Hawthorn bakes the sweetest bread.
Elm wood burns like churchyard mould,
E'en the very flames are cold
But Ash green or Ash brown
Is fit for a queen with golden crown.
Poplar gives a bitter smoke,
Fills your eyes and makes you choke,
Apple wood will scent your room
Pear wood smells like flowers in bloom
Oaken logs, if dry and old
keep away the winter's cold
But Ash wet or Ash dry
a king shall warm his slippers by.
Warmest regards to you and the dogs... jb

My Other Blog said...

I share the third tragedy with you. I don't know what I want.
My life is also unmanageable.
But, at least I get to control the thermostat.
Snuggle up to he dogs, unconditional love is the greatest!

asha said...

I voted for Pete, but it didn't seem to take. Don't know why. I used the link you sent me. Any ideas?

msb said...

It was a contest thru the Humane Society. amaybe they want you to register. I don't know :+{ Pete sure is cute though. :+}