Sister thoughts

My Sister arrived on the jetplane--nary a glitch. Dinner at 16th and Betheny Home-- exquisite.
All the time talk talk talk like it hadn' been ever so long. Hope to get one of her Christmas poems soon!!!!!! I gave her almost the last of the family trinkets... God knows what could happen in the next 4 years. Here kids will like them. I always was fasinated by these , never really understood what all the whoopla was about but boy o boy did I love the whoopla.

Then we did malls, Drs visit, more malls, franchise school of where she works, more food, moreshoping, and then poof she was off in that jetplane. missing her i cry for the years I touted as fun and prerogative that I missed out on so much of relationship with her.

Time is such a trickster I need a few more lifetimes for all the time I missed.

Goodnight little Sister

Spirit

Here is a quite lovely website sent to me by one of my bet friends. It is spiritual and what better a day then christmas for it to arrive. I signed up for the rest of it that come by e-mail for the next 12 days for a bit of personal meditation. Tell me what you think.

xoxoxoxoxo

http://www.theinnerchristmasmovie.com/

family

Well I'm off to Phoenix to spend a couple of days with my sister who is flying in from Minneapolis. Then Friday its of to the liver Doctor to see if I'm well enough to get on the transplant list. I'm pretty excited to spend time with my sister as we have never done that since we were children. Always with husbands, mothers, kids, boyfriends, etc.

I'm trying to remember money isn't the point. We grew up always wanting more. Seems like I never had enough stuff. I don't know about my sister but my thinking for many years has been based on how much I have.

I'm also giving my sister all the family treasures I have. Not many really because I spent so many years as the black dope fiend relative that would sell anything. It's taken many years to regain the trust off my family even though I never really sold any heirlooms and have been lugging there burden on for years.

and what would a blog of mine be without a pic. let me find one.





I'm finding that there is somthing else, an inside thing that I need to work on. Actually I Had a twinkling of the greater about 21 years ago but the work in prosess is finally stating to solidofiy

Tired

geez its been almost 2 weeks since I've put anything on this blog. i'm just so tired. My friend died a few nites ago. He had been in a chair since he was 18. Sure wish him a dance with me where ever we end up. Guess there where no livers available on the 28th.

My sister is flying in for my next DR appointment. It will be great to see her. hope I hav some money by then.Any Body wanna by chakra necklace?

Dog blessings

Angel Dog takes a snooze

I'm not really sure when I started leting dogs sleep on my furniture. One day I just noticed how cute Pete looked all curled up inthat chair so I took a picture. Seems like they have just always been there.

blue

Its a blue day
for a blue tree
not worth ferreting out the reason
it just is
I like the blues
I where them well
such camaraderie
I have with the blues

A child said, What is the grass?
by Walt Whitman
A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full
hands;
How could I answer the child?. . . .I do not know what it
is any more than he.
I guess it must be the flag of my disposition, out of hopeful
green stuff woven.
Or I guess it is the handkerchief of the Lord,
A scented gift and remembrancer designedly dropped,
Bearing the owner's name someway in the corners, that we
may see and remark, and say Whose?
Or I guess the grass is itself a child. . . .the produced babe
of the vegetation.
Or I guess it is a uniform hieroglyphic,
And it means, Sprouting alike in broad zones and narrow
zones,
Growing among black folks as among white,
Kanuck, Tuckahoe, Congressman, Cuff, I give them the
same, I receive them the same.
And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves.
Tenderly will I use you curling grass,
It may be you transpire from the breasts of young men,
It may be if I had known them I would have loved them;
It may be you are from old people and from women, and
from offspring taken soon out of their mother's laps,
And here you are the mother's laps.
This grass is very dark to be from the white heads of old
mothers,
Darker than the colorless beards of old men,
Dark to come from under the faint red roofs of mouths.
O I perceive after all so many uttering tongues!
And I perceive they do not come from the roofs of mouths
for nothing.
I wish I could translate the hints about the dead young men
and women,
And the hints about old men and mothers, and the offspring
taken soon out of their laps.
What do you think has become of the young and old men?
What do you think has become of the women and
children?
They are alive and well somewhere;
The smallest sprouts show there is really no death,
And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait
at the end to arrest it,
And ceased the moment life appeared.
All goes onward and outward. . . .and nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and
luckier.

out of left field

happy

I'm filled with joy
when the day dawns quietly
over the roof of the sky.

Life was wonderful
in winter.
But did winter make me happy?
No, I always worried
about hides for boot-soles
and for boots;
and if there'd be enough
for all of us.
Yes, I worried constantly.

Life was wonderful
in summer.
but did summer make me happy?
No, I always worried
about reindeer skins and rugs for the platform.
Yes, I worried constantly.

Life was wonderful
when you stood at your fishing-hole
on the ice.
But was I happy waiting at my fishing hole?

No, I was always worried
for my little hook,
in case it never got a bite.
Yes, I worried constantly.

Life was wonderful
when you danced in the feasting-house.
But did this make me any happeir?
No, I always worried
I'd forget my song.
Yes, I worried constantly.

Life was wonderful...
And I still feel joy
each time the day-break
whitens the dark-break
whitens the dark sky
each
time the sun
climbs over the roof of the sky.

ESKIMO SONG

more of my cactus garden

The Dalai Lama says " Children who have grown up lacking a positive atmosphere usually have more negative attitudes. This very clearly shows the basic human nature. Also, as I have mentioned, the human body appreciates peace of mind. Things that are disturbing to us have a very bad effect upon our health. This shows that the whole stucture of our health is such that it is suited to an atmosphere of human affection. Therefore , our potential for compassion is there. The only issue is whether or not we realize this and utilize it."

I think of the 18 year old girl who was stabbed 50 times by her drugged out boyfriend who then OD'ed on pills and is in a coma. Did he grow up lacking a positive atmosphere? Was he only looking for peace of mind? I think of the daugher I put up for adoption at birth and now that she was in a much more positive situation then the one I was able to provide for her. Having met her a number of years ago I know that to be a fact.

In the years of her childhood I was much to self-absorbed to being devoted to a beautiful daughter. And how lucky is that child for had I been just a little less self-absorbed I my have been deluded enough to believe I could raise my child in an atmosphere of self delusion. I had very little potential compassion. I had affection mixed up with sex. In my attempt of being a part of the big picture I had chosen the counter culture movment and ended up just being, with my predispostion toward addiction , an angry, violent, person incapable of loving or being loved.

Today I try hard to have commpassion for that boy in a comma, that robbed the little girl and her family of the chance to experience life without drugs. They say the cholla cactus shoots its stickers at people how walk by. But the truth is one actually has to reach out and touch them before they burrow into the skin. And they are aluring. They look soft and touchable. An understanding of this is nessasary and important to not get hooked. And a desire to not be hooked ; commpassion for ones self?

A bit pricckly these days

So what else but another cactus. I guess have to wait for the the frosty leaves for next year or maybe I'll search out some of last years fotos and rework them with all this new found time I have. The Doc said stay home at least until after December.

There are days when it is such a relief to not get up and I can't even imagine how I ever got anything done and then their are days that I feel soooo....???? guilty !!!! that I'm not out there busting my butt for at almighty dollar.

And now I'm among the ranks of the poor. 23 years ago when I first realized I was able to not only support myself I also had $ to spend. At first I felt ashamed that I had so much more than so many people in the world. My dear friend Crystal ( who I admired as being a socially concerned person, always working on a cause), said if you have any money left over after taxes you can donate it someware. I will help you.

Well..... I've donated a lot of time to the cause du juor but there never seems to be any money left over. And now there is just no money. ooooooo such a spoiled girl I have been. well heres the cactus of hope I hope.

Mona Lisa Pete

when all the tomarrows start wishing for yesterdays

The new important number in my life is my MELD score; just thirteen, but with the alpha fetoprotein floating around in my own personal solar system I just might make the transplant list a little sooner.

I don't know if it is good or bad, it just is. And its really gonna be the adventure of my life. The rest of them were just practice for the next chunk and it’s all unfolding exactly the way it is unfolding.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to Flagstaff and take pictures of the leaves turning; the aspen quaking and what have you.

Lost Dog finds way home

You read about it in the gossip rags at the check-out in the grocery store novels are written about them but dogs that find their way home always seemed like maybe a little stretch of the truth. I've found lost dogs... mine and others. In fact Pete is a found dog (found by me) that never found the people that lost (abandoned?) him. He was just a little quivering mass of bones, fur and fear facing a close brush with becoming road pizza a few blocks from my house. I brought him home to keep him safe until his people came to claim him. And he's never left. After losing my ever so precious Dog of Dogs it just seemed to make sense that Sweet Pete should stick around. http://thefirstchakra.blogspot.com/2006/04/my-dog-pete.html

So you can imagine how I felt yesterday when I lost him while I was at the Tire place and Petes leash got caught in a metal chair and he got freaked out and metal chair and all headed straight for the busiest intersection in the area, a junction of to major highways. He finally slipped his collar and seem to vanish into thin air at Taco Bell.

I searched from 3pm till 9:30pm and was up searching again at 6am. I called the Animal Control, Humaine Society, Police, radio stations and posted flyers. I talked with anyone in the area that would listen, Enlisted the help of my boyfriend, my girlfriend and her boyfriend.....

And he showed up this morning around 8:30 am hungry, tired, and full of burrs. Three miles (or maybe more depending on the route) he showed up at my front door. What a guy.

the big picture

more cactus

these guys must be aliens of some sort. From pluto the rock no doubt.

Well it must be the end of the garden scene here in AZ. Or at least it is at our house as Porky Pete broke in and ate all the veggies……. Accept for the zucchini. Guess he isn’t a fan. He even ate the peppers. And then his partner in crime aka Large Luther went in and pillaged rooted and took a Mastive size dump. Next year we will have a stronger defense system.

healthy wealthy wise or just a stringen' fool

Root Chakra - BLACK OBSIDIAN: Helps integrate the mind with the emotions and anchors spiritual energy onto the physical plane; absorbs and dissolves negative energy; prevents emotional draining from others; reduces stress, helps soothe during times of transition; beneficially influences stomach, colon, and womb.

Spleen Chakra - AMBER: Has a positive influence on the hormones, spleen and heart; promotes healing and purification of the digestive tract; absorbs negative energy, helps you to ground to Earth, and provides protection for sensitive people; blends and balances the higher intellect with spirituality

Solar Plexus Chakra – PERIDOT: Has healthy impact upon heart, adrenals, pancreas, and liver; purifies your body; heightens intuition; decreases tension, speeds up personal growth stimulates mental capabilities, and opens heart and mind to new opportunities; soothes and releases old hurts and resentments.

Heart Chakra - TOURMALINE (RED-PINK): Enhances ability to effectively handle life’s challenges and meet new ones with courage, optimism, grace, and ease; helps you let go of grief, guilt, ,and anxiety; inspires acts of compassion, devotion , service, and creativity.

Throat Chakra - AQUAMARINE: Calms nervous tension, reduces retention of body fluids and helps with digestion; increases clarity and facilitates creative self-expression; helps drive away fears and anxiety; soothes and calms, wonderful stone to use with meditation; creates balance on all levels – physical, emotional, and mental.

Third Eye Chakra - LAPIS LAZULI: Reduces tension and anxiety; revitalizes and opens your throat chakra; increases strength and vitality; facilitates mental awareness and clear headedness; enhances psychic abilities and communication with your Higher Self.

Crown Chakra – AMETHYST: Energizes and purifies the blood system, and relieves mental confusion; cleanses and renews all levels of consciousness; dissolves illusion, enhances intuition, encourages deep meditation and transformation; helps protect from negative influences; increases ability to heal and experience Divine love.

Barbara took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship w..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

...a little less time

So many pictures...so little time

mineral meltdown

something to laugh about

This was the funniest dog that ever lived. He walked around with this stuff on although the hat fell off he acted like the googles and vest were just something that were now a part of his deal.

Chewy the Entertainer

mon·soon ( P ) Pronunciation Key (mn-sn)
n.

1. A wind system that influences large climatic regions and reverses direction seasonally.

Dimestore wisdom

Today, as I waited for my massage therapist to retrieve me from the room of quiet contemplation all spas with any savvy seem to have, I perused a book that claimed to have the answer. Just ask THE question and turn to any random page for THE answer. Hmmm, like an I –Ching for Dummies. And the ancient Greeks were hip to this sort of answer seeking simplicity found in The Iliad this book also suggested.

So I asked my humble little question and turned to the random page of wisdom and got a rather palatable short quote of ancient Chinese persuasion. Kind of fortune kookie logic. Sweeeet. So again I take my chances with fate and again the book produces a reasonably good answer. Actually I believe there are no “bad” choices only consequences but that’s another blog.

Anyhow, I thought about all the other books that folks base their decision making on. Books, theory’s, religions, best friends and so on…. random stuff that happens. So what about the internet. How would that fair. So I Ask Jeeves should I stick it out with my current boyfriend. Low and behold… good advice.

So what about something more random like the NY Times. So I go to the Times web site and visualize the boyfriend question with my eyes closed, and clik, clik, clik …. Bingo I highlight some strange but reasonable advise about staying in a relationship as likened to training wild animals. “ angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?ex=1152590400&en=dada09a4431d68b4&ei=5087. Really a funny article and actually pertinent to the reason the question got asked. Right down to the nervous dog times two. Geez even the NY Times won’t co-sign my bull shit.

evidence

text as photo

...on and on and on

...and the band plays

Luther and his road dog Pete on the Rocks

just a thought

Fruits of our labor

Really this is the fruit of dear Kevins labor. I find gardening a tedious chore. Nothing relaxing about getting dirty and wet. And the BUGS.

But now that beautiful little squash looks so lovely on my cutting board nestled between some of the many flowers I recieved to brighten my day when Girly Girl died. A shrine to my dog.

I really do adore house plants. A much tuffer chore in Arizona than in Oregon. Some of my old Oregon plants just couldn't deal .... but some did and the crew I have now are a cheery bunch and seem to thrive in spite of my neglect.

Far from words

Its said that fire is good for the forest. It cleans up the brush, smaller trees and some types of pine only release their seeds at a certain forest fire hot temperature. Some fires out in places far from human habitation are just left alone and eventually burn out. I watched in awe from this perch a few years ago as Sycamore Canyon burned and at night the red flames looked like they were going to start licking my doorstep at any moment. Fear/thrill ... fear/Thrill "Fire is good for the forest."

but whatabout the animals
they don't think about how bad it is for their chuck hole or nest they live in. They just move on FAST. On to another whatever. No .."oh its good for the forest" or "Do I have enough insurance? "

but from this perch today I wonder about those 300 families in their million dollar dwellings that were evacuated? And I wonder how I might feel if I lived in their moccasins right now. From my little nole I see the beauty of the the sky as it flashes across my camera screen. The red rocks take on a hole new sort of reddness. I think of the BIG picture.... not from any altruistic point, but more from a place of dust to dust....

and then I feel reviled in my lust for the picture; the big picture on my computer screen as I switch to raw mode. Frenzy for the right f-stop. I'm glad I am alone, in my own little self centered way of veiwing the world. To pass judgement as I see fit. No one elses standards accept the ones that life as banged into my brain and I have spent years trying to bang out.

i used to tell my mother if they were so starved in Ethiopia then they could have this shit she called meatloaf. What about the poor cow? And if she wanted to send them all those damn lameass clothes she bought me she certainly was welcome to. And again I feel the shame of my bad behavior as only a motherless child can on fathers day. No "I'm so sorry Mommy for all those things I did that made you soooo unhappy".... as she drifted away in her alzhiemers fog.

I called my Dad today because I new he'd like that. For twenty years we didn't talk. I'm really not sure why accept we had different points of veiw about life. Today its as if we have both had an epiphany about our relationship and maybe about life in general. Its really short, I speak for my self. And its so in the moment now. What a relief getting old can be. Its just not really all that damned inportant. Just dust in the wind.

layermask

we are what we sing

Searchin' For A Rainbow

I rode in to town today and in my heart I said "Lord I'ld love to stay" But somethin' in me said "Girl move along" Don't know what it is The good Lord bred it in my bones. (chorus) And I'm searchin' for a rainbow And if the wind only shows me where to go You'll be waitin' at the end, and I'll know I'll say "To Hell with that pot of gold" This mare I'm ridin', yeah, she's gettin' kind of tired But in my heart she knows my one desire She's gonna take me to the end of that road, She lay down and die, I'll say "God rest her soul!" And I'm searchin'...(chorus) The Marshall Tucker Band

The Visiter

don't eat the yellow snow











Travelin down that vast
Highway

My dear friend and ever faithful dog moved on to her next adventure. Hopfully there are many bunnies to chase, cats to annoy and dog biscuits to savor. We just spent a few nights in Phoenix at the Embassy Suites. One of her favorite haunts as they let her hang out in the bar for happy hour. Also those midnight potty runs on the golf course next door. Many, many bunnies and even a passed out drunk guy to startle with a cursory woff or two.
Oh boy am I gonna miss her. She was thirteen and spent all but the first six weeks of her life with me. I can't really write the deal of the tragedy. At least not now. I'm working on banning the what ifs from my brain. The other two dogs seem quietly attentive, little nose kisses on thighs. Kev is a rock and dispenser of flowers but really only time will level out the bumps.

Rodeo Fans

There's a young man that I know who's age is twenty one
Comes from down in southern Colorado
Just out of the service he's looking for his fun
Someday soon goin' with him someday soon
My parents cannot stand him cause he rides the rodeo
My father says that he will leave me crying
I would follow him right down the roughest road I know
Someday soon goin' with him someday soon
But when he comes to call my pa ain't got a good word to say
Guess it's cause he's just as wild in his younger days
So blow you ol' blue northern blow my love to me
He's ridin' in tonight from California
He loves his damned old rodeo as much as he loves me
Someday soon goin' with him someday soon
When he comes to call my pa..
Someday soon goin' with him someday soon
Judy Collins

Loretas Song

"I love
meeses
to pieces"
Tom

In Seattle

"You won’t find me in Seattle
Though there’s no place I’d rather be
Cause she’s living there inside that Emerald City
And like a child she’s running free"
Bo Wilson