JPG Magazine: MsB

Friday, October 20, 2006

more of my cactus garden

The Dalai Lama says " Children who have grown up lacking a positive atmosphere usually have more negative attitudes. This very clearly shows the basic human nature. Also, as I have mentioned, the human body appreciates peace of mind. Things that are disturbing to us have a very bad effect upon our health. This shows that the whole stucture of our health is such that it is suited to an atmosphere of human affection. Therefore , our potential for compassion is there. The only issue is whether or not we realize this and utilize it."

I think of the 18 year old girl who was stabbed 50 times by her drugged out boyfriend who then OD'ed on pills and is in a coma. Did he grow up lacking a positive atmosphere? Was he only looking for peace of mind? I think of the daugher I put up for adoption at birth and now that she was in a much more positive situation then the one I was able to provide for her. Having met her a number of years ago I know that to be a fact.

In the years of her childhood I was much to self-absorbed to being devoted to a beautiful daughter. And how lucky is that child for had I been just a little less self-absorbed I my have been deluded enough to believe I could raise my child in an atmosphere of self delusion. I had very little potential compassion. I had affection mixed up with sex. In my attempt of being a part of the big picture I had chosen the counter culture movment and ended up just being, with my predispostion toward addiction , an angry, violent, person incapable of loving or being loved.

Today I try hard to have commpassion for that boy in a comma, that robbed the little girl and her family of the chance to experience life without drugs. They say the cholla cactus shoots its stickers at people how walk by. But the truth is one actually has to reach out and touch them before they burrow into the skin. And they are aluring. They look soft and touchable. An understanding of this is nessasary and important to not get hooked. And a desire to not be hooked ; commpassion for ones self?


twodogsbarking said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm currently getting hammered by my s/o for my "compassion." I know my truth and that is if people hadn't had compassion for me early in recovery, I would not have made it. Some need tough love; some don't. And at different times, we need each. Love you, girlfriend.

it's the little things said...

I loved this post, especially your tie-in to the cactus. Years ago, during a visit to Arizona, I was 'struck' by one of these cactuses. It is all I remember of that trip to the river.
What a brave decision you made back then for your daughter. Every time I read a sad story about abused/neglected children I wish their parents had made better choices...