JPG Magazine: MsB

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Far from words


Its said that fire is good for the forest. It cleans up the brush, smaller trees and some types of pine only release their seeds at a certain forest fire hot temperature. Some fires out in places far from human habitation are just left alone and eventually burn out. I watched in awe from this perch a few years ago as Sycamore Canyon burned and at night the red flames looked like they were going to start licking my doorstep at any moment. Fear/thrill ... fear/Thrill "Fire is good for the forest."

but whatabout the animals
they don't think about how bad it is for their chuck hole or nest they live in. They just move on FAST. On to another whatever. No .."oh its good for the forest" or "Do I have enough insurance? "

but from this perch today I wonder about those 300 families in their million dollar dwellings that were evacuated? And I wonder how I might feel if I lived in their moccasins right now. From my little nole I see the beauty of the the sky as it flashes across my camera screen. The red rocks take on a hole new sort of reddness. I think of the BIG picture.... not from any altruistic point, but more from a place of dust to dust....

and then I feel reviled in my lust for the picture; the big picture on my computer screen as I switch to raw mode. Frenzy for the right f-stop. I'm glad I am alone, in my own little self centered way of veiwing the world. To pass judgement as I see fit. No one elses standards accept the ones that life as banged into my brain and I have spent years trying to bang out.

i used to tell my mother if they were so starved in Ethiopia then they could have this shit she called meatloaf. What about the poor cow? And if she wanted to send them all those damn lameass clothes she bought me she certainly was welcome to. And again I feel the shame of my bad behavior as only a motherless child can on fathers day. No "I'm so sorry Mommy for all those things I did that made you soooo unhappy".... as she drifted away in her alzhiemers fog.

I called my Dad today because I new he'd like that. For twenty years we didn't talk. I'm really not sure why accept we had different points of veiw about life. Today its as if we have both had an epiphany about our relationship and maybe about life in general. Its really short, I speak for my self. And its so in the moment now. What a relief getting old can be. Its just not really all that damned inportant. Just dust in the wind.

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