Fear to faith

Last night I dreamed I was normal again, or what ever normal was for me. It was great. Then I woke up, I was back to this state of exhaustion, cold, pain, that has slipped over my life ssslllooowwlly in the last however long. I enjoyed the reprieve. My house is warm in the morning as my boyfriend gets ready for work, he flips the heat switch on. He said it will be 65 degrees in Phoenix today. Maybe I should go to Phoenix, thinks I. Like that will give me a boost. You see, we don't turn the heat on in the daytime when he's not here because he pays the bills. He doesn't want to waste money. Maybe I'm supposed to meditate on how warm it is in Phoenix.

I spoke with my Father a few days ago. He broke his leg and at 87 thats a tough thing. Right now he is in a rest home doing physical therapy and .... when he gets out he will go to his 2 new daughters house to recoup. Two new Daughters? Whats wrong with your two old daughters? What about your girlfriends, the one yo are going to by a new house for? Well, my sister will be going there to see whats up. I said I would come up but he wants to be alone with my sister because he doesn't know her very well. (My Mother walked before she was born. Guess she figured one abused daughter was enough.

Its a good thing I don't have to base my opinion of myself on the imagination of others. But I am damn cold. BF lets me stay in a room in his house if I cook and clean and do the laundry. But I only get heat when he's home. Oh, he did say I could build a fire today. I lived with wood heat for 16 years, 13 of that alone. I do know about fires. But the wood he scavenged out of the forest this time takes a blow torch to start. REALLY. Thats how he has been starting it.And then it doesn't put out much heat. Like me :+) So today I'm in my warm elevated bed and when I get up, I just bundle up. Was gonna clean the house but not today. It might warm up or stay warm in here, but just about everything in AZ is build on a concrete slab. Just sucks the warm right out of the house.

"In the world there are two kinds of tragedies. One is not getting what one wants. The other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde (Found on the Junky's Wife.)

I think theres a third tragedy... not knowing what one wants. I don't have a clue anymore. It just doesn't compute. I used to be able to figure it out and do what needed to be done. My latest in a long line of sponsors gave me a list and at the top was - How is your life unmanageable? Unmanageable? Is it? I can't figure that out if it is or not.

Marc gave me a mantra " Fear to Faith" Some days I just get forgetful. It's really the best thing I've gleaned from life lately. Now I can laugh a bit at the absurdity my thinking seems to take. Surly am glad my four legged friends love me unconditionally.