A book to buy

For those of us that would rather do our gang banging vicariously.

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Mellow Drama Barffffff

All this high drama in my life just ain't no good. I'm sick and have to go get my blood drawn. Always an exciting thing in any ex-junky's life. Even after years of not poking needles in ones body. So here I am drinking fluids and trying to keep them down for hydration sake. You guy's, please pardon the typos. Just don't feel like cleaning it all up. i once heard if ya can't spell the word then ya shouldn't use it. That would give me about a third grade vocabulary. I say, if ya can speak it write it. Maybe that's a little to real. Oh well, let 'em spin. some day I will have to tell a story or two on Dorothy B.

For know, I am doing nothing about my situation. Like every situation, give it time and it will change. Today I am letting the powers that be have their way with my life. There's always time for the battle of Armageddon tomorrow. A few more good stories there on Armageddon Bob. I love all the characters that have crossed my path. When my life gets thick and nasty I can always fall back on the dubious wisdom of those who have influenced my life so profoundly.

The crap factory; isn't that the 1st Chakra

No trailer, no trash, Maybe shopping cart lady. I'm not quit ready for bag lady. Actually, I haven't a clue where I'm going. I was going to Oregon this morning. Then Minnesota this after noon. But It might have to be Phoenix. My Phsyco Worker, I mean Social Worker said, no boyfriend no liver. I hate social workers. I think I heard that somewhere before. I thought they were supposed to help. All I want is a cold water walk-up. Yeah would have thought I asked for a mansion in the hills.

But I called my Dr and Mr. Nasty is wrong. It has to go before a vote. And I called my sister (my other caretaker) She'll straighten them out. Boy, I'm going down fast. At least my brain is. My liver is hang'n tough. I really want to go to Oregon and live on the coast for awhile. My Sister says clear up some of my credit card dept first. What a good sister. Very smart. That's what I have been doing until the monkey wench decided to go lefty tighty, instead of lefty loosey.

The BF changed his mind and said "Oh don't move" ???? So he probably wants to wait till I can't walk for the next get out in 90 days. Oh then it will be 30 days.

This is soo hysterical. This all started cause I was giving my self an icky poo medicine shot and I didn't jump right up and answer HIS phone. There must be something wrong with me. Oh ya, that's right, there is.

So nothing has really changed. Accept my Dad who broke his leg last week likes me again and I'm laughing about the insanity of it all. I'm going to have to rename this blog the crisis factor or the cracker factory or something. The First Chakra just doesn't do it.

Trailer park trash

I decided that I will live in my car before I leave Pete and Lucy Blu behind. I traveled this summer with Pete and my Ikea mattress and it was ok. But first I am going to work on a travel trailer to live in and try a keep the car too. the x always said when he got rid of his other girlfriends he bought them a car and a motorcycle jacket. Maybe my dad, instead of sending his girlfriend to Mazatlan again will donate to my trailer park trash fund. I have my old paypal account still on my blog from the day when I sold chakra beads on the Internet. One can donate. Please don't feel obligated,please don't stop reading my blog because of it.my friend said ask everyone I know for a hand out. I appear to self sufficient when I'm really not. I may even be able to start doing beads again. Or something. I am working on a book. (aren't we all) All I know is I can't live without my furry little family if I plan to keep on trudging the road of happy destiny.

yada yada yada

even though I've done things today to help get out of this situation, I am still discussed with my self and the situation I've gotten my self into. I want to rip this blog apart and throw away everything I own. It just goes on and on. I keep telling myself it will get better and what few friends I still have left are being as supportive as they can. I don't want to let them down but I'm afraid I don't believe a word of it. Shit , I hope this passes soon. I really do know it's me and I need an attitude adjustment. The bf needs... well its really none of my business what he needs but he doesn't need me.

Amazing

How could I have been so blind? Things are better for me today. Without being sappy I really do get how life's most serious moments can be times of growth. Don't get me wrong. I still feel like I've been kicked in the gut but hands are reaching out to hold me up. I could do it alone but why? Life is good today even if I'm unhappy. Can't always be perfect. Gonna miss that dog Luther though.

Hate

I'm just so mad tonight. Up until now I have been in shock. He said, "I make enough money for both of us. Quit your job. get well." I said are you sure? It's a big job to take care of a sick person. I bought him a book written by a friend who went though the same thing. I don't think he read it because he is so smart.

Thursday he assured me again I could stay for ever and Sunday he got mad while I was fussing over taking my shot. I didn't answer he's phone. He finally did and it was the repair man to confirm a next day appointment. He informed me of this as though had he not answered the phone all hell would have broken loose. I asked him, " Should I have dropped everything put on some cloths and answer the phone for him?

In a short time, after I cleaned up from the shot, I went out and apologized for being so short with him. He said you have 90 days to get out.

So I am selling stuff. I'll get out soon. I hate him right now. I know I'll get over it. But not now. Hate is motivating. I will become the king kong of hate.

. . . Ours is the universe of the unfolded rose, The explicit The candid revelation. —D. H. Lawrence

Stop the world, I want to get off

Well, I just got a ninety day notice to move out. The BF just can't stand my attitude anymore. Boy, this new development should really make my life much more exciting. Like I don't have enough excitement already. He just promised last night no matter what he would never ask me to leave. Promises, Promises.

I took care of my ex-husband as he was dieing of lung cancer. No, it wasn't easy. It was damn hard but I promised. I learned so much about selflessness, putting my life on hold for the good of another. Some days I just wanted to run away. But I didn't.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn here. I'm just saying I understand. But for me, I don't have the VA to pitch in and help. Or a mother that is still alive. And since I left Oregon I really don't have many friends.

Boy am I ever on the pity pot. so please don't let me forget:

Fear to faith. Don't give up before the miracle. And of course it is all exactly the way it is supposed to be.

Fear to faith

Last night I dreamed I was normal again, or what ever normal was for me. It was great. Then I woke up, I was back to this state of exhaustion, cold, pain, that has slipped over my life ssslllooowwlly in the last however long. I enjoyed the reprieve. My house is warm in the morning as my boyfriend gets ready for work, he flips the heat switch on. He said it will be 65 degrees in Phoenix today. Maybe I should go to Phoenix, thinks I. Like that will give me a boost. You see, we don't turn the heat on in the daytime when he's not here because he pays the bills. He doesn't want to waste money. Maybe I'm supposed to meditate on how warm it is in Phoenix.

I spoke with my Father a few days ago. He broke his leg and at 87 thats a tough thing. Right now he is in a rest home doing physical therapy and .... when he gets out he will go to his 2 new daughters house to recoup. Two new Daughters? Whats wrong with your two old daughters? What about your girlfriends, the one yo are going to by a new house for? Well, my sister will be going there to see whats up. I said I would come up but he wants to be alone with my sister because he doesn't know her very well. (My Mother walked before she was born. Guess she figured one abused daughter was enough.

Its a good thing I don't have to base my opinion of myself on the imagination of others. But I am damn cold. BF lets me stay in a room in his house if I cook and clean and do the laundry. But I only get heat when he's home. Oh, he did say I could build a fire today. I lived with wood heat for 16 years, 13 of that alone. I do know about fires. But the wood he scavenged out of the forest this time takes a blow torch to start. REALLY. Thats how he has been starting it.And then it doesn't put out much heat. Like me :+) So today I'm in my warm elevated bed and when I get up, I just bundle up. Was gonna clean the house but not today. It might warm up or stay warm in here, but just about everything in AZ is build on a concrete slab. Just sucks the warm right out of the house.

"In the world there are two kinds of tragedies. One is not getting what one wants. The other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde (Found on the Junky's Wife.)

I think theres a third tragedy... not knowing what one wants. I don't have a clue anymore. It just doesn't compute. I used to be able to figure it out and do what needed to be done. My latest in a long line of sponsors gave me a list and at the top was - How is your life unmanageable? Unmanageable? Is it? I can't figure that out if it is or not.

Marc gave me a mantra " Fear to Faith" Some days I just get forgetful. It's really the best thing I've gleaned from life lately. Now I can laugh a bit at the absurdity my thinking seems to take. Surly am glad my four legged friends love me unconditionally.

Breakfast

thinking about the constraints of sharing the cats breakfast.

Breakfast

Romy's quite a ham

then and now.

Well here I am in the big city. The temperature is great. Feels good on my old bones. But, its smoggy. I have to go down to the Liver clinic a pick up my interferon for the next month. They still don't have it straightened out why it just doesn't come by parcel post.

Most of the the time, while I've been down here, I have been staying in and working on home work. It costs money to visit the city. I forgot about that. Even just driving around is expensive. It's a whole new mind sight from last year to this year. But at least I don't have to live out of garbage cans and sleep in the bushes.

I think the thing I miss the most being down here, is not having Pete here with me. He loves to go places and is the best company a girl could ask for. Unfortunately, the two dogs I'm staying with are just not very social. They have be trained Schutzhund, so that doesn't leave room for other dogs. I miss my little polka dot Pete.

another day, another post

Better

I think I have recovered from the mini mump. phishuuu. Glad that is over. This weekend I am going to house sit at Two Dogs place. Yippie, the big city. Culture, baby, culture.

Commpassion

Friday, I had a croissant for lunch. Who would think a croissant would hurt. But, youuuwww.. it did. and my face swelled up where the saliva gland is. Called my Doctor...gone for the week-end and so to urgent care. All these coughing, sick people blowing their germs about.. there was a note saying they should where masks if the where coughing, but no one was wearing a mask. They where blowing there nose in the masks. Ick. and I literately have no immune system because of the interferon. There was big piles of dirt on the floor.. from shoes.. and all the office stafff was just siting around laughing and telling jokes.

So I asked if I could wait in the car and would they please call me when my turn had come. The girl said," well where are you going to be?"

I, "In the parking lot".

An hour later, I noticed lots of sick people gone, and new ones there. Guess I missed my call.
Then I got the information taker. ....how much do you weigh, how old, and all my medical history. Then they put me in another room, I can hear everything and wait another hour. I am crying now, because this thing has doubled in size and really hurts.

Finally, the doctor. Every time I tell her something she all ready knows. Says she has been an emergency doctor for 20 years. With her long wrap around dress (I think it's supposed to be India, Indian, but more like ratty hippy) and her long grey , greasy hair in a pony. She told me to take 4 motrin at a time and suck lemon drops.

But Motion makes my gut hurt and lemon drops, not on your life without pain pills. No pain pills for me, after all , shes been a emergency room Doctor for twenty years and knows a drug seeker when she sees on.

I go home and try her method out. I figure if shes been an emergency room doctor for twenty years she must know something. But, as figured, all I ended up with was a stomach ache and my side my face looked like I had mumps. I put heat on it that might, like that experienced Doctor recommended. And got no sleep. In the morning I was in bad shape.

I called my liver Doctor in Phoenix and they said go to the emergency room fast. Seems like I have a plugged saliva duck and an infection. And now all my joints ache to boot. The Doctors in this emergency room have all my medical records about how bad my Hep-C is ( make a point of keeping them both informed) and they gave me antibiotics and said the pain meds would make it heal faster, not to mention more tolerable.

Today the swelling is gone but the joints still ache. I've stopped taking the pain pills because they don't work on whatever is wrong with my joints. Maybe I'll call that Doc with twenty years experience and see what she has too say.*X^%$_+. Actually, if I'm still as messed up by Wednesday I'll call my primary doctor because I'm do for blood work on Thursday.

This being sick is for the birds. I've never been sick in my life, now its just one thing after another. Very disheartening. I guess compassion is the word I am learning. Not just for all the sick people in the world today, but for all the ones that don't have a clue about being sick.

Cat Haikus sent to me by a friend and a picture by where I used to live in Oregon sent by same friend

Thanks Rick from Oregon

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards
This pillow's taken.

Your mouth is moving
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.