JPG Magazine: MsB

Monday, July 23, 2007

and da cat was down

Well what a day. Got up, took the dogs to the dog park, did the dishes, went to the store for milk, sent of a poster I sold on e-bay, put another one up for sale, read my blogs and feel asleep. When I woke up I realized how often this has been happening. Six months ago it was just a few times a week.

And then I started to cry. I don't want to watch as my health diminishes and I know it will no matter what I want. BIG pity pot I was on. I'm not going to die. Well probably not but I am more than likely going to go right to the edge before I get better. That's the way I've always lived, going right to the edge and than at the last millisecond jumping back and watch as someone else doesn't make it.

So what else is new. My job today, if I choose to accept it, is to give back, to make amends for all the times I took. And some days those amends must be made to myself for all the self cruelty I inflicted. I've made mega amends to many people, been kind to others just to be kind. But as I look back I see how trying to be selfless was really just masquerading as good. Shame based and selfish. Like ME.

And today I find shame again in my tears. Tears of self pity. Selfish self pity is. Thinks I. Now that I don't take from others I find another willing victim. One that is much more clandestine, and blindsided by the hit. I don't allow myself to be old or ill or sad or what ever real emotions or physical ailments might be in order. And arrogance on the flip side of the shame card.

After I read my 1st step (admitted I am powerless over addiction and my life is unmanageable) the person said no one should remain in that much pain. That threw me... I didn't even know I was in pain. Now that it is named the time has come to have a little sanity restored.

P.S. Anyone that hasn't a clue as to what I'm talking about and may think I've taken leave of my senses your probably right but...there is hope for me. And anyone that can relate cool and as you know there is hope. If you think not or think maybe not for you, well, e-mail me. We'll talk.

So write I will. "All of this is a process, and our need for a restoration to sanity will change over time". Feel better all ready.


Christine said...

there is always hope
for you
for me

thanks for leaving a comment for me

kimy said...

we are all just works in of my favorite affirmations has been: if not for hope, the heart would break. get it out and let it go. namaste!

Christine said...

I can just so relate.

In my grief I believed my weakness as weakness of limbs and did not know or believe that it might be psychic or spiritual.

today, pain is pain and being gentle with me is a good thing.

hope you are gentle to you every day

Indigo said...

A friend of mine sent me the link to your blog and said check her out, she is a kindred spirit. After reading this I would have to agree. I'm a little of everything outspoken on domestic abuse, animal cruelty. As well as dealing with life as a deaf Native American. I'm still working on the 12 steps 3 years later. I just had my 3 yr. anniversary in April.

One of the things I have always said is I will never be able to create enough of a balance for all the wrong. So instead I strive to make a difference for someone else and in the end remove one more notch from my past.I'm constantly pulling life apart and trying to figure out where my heart and head fit into the equation. I'll always strive for one day better than the last.

I write it all out in my own journal, past, present, future has to be as they say one day at a time. If you want you can email me at I'm always somewhere around. I'll come back and visit again to say hi and give you some more introspect from time to time. (Hugs) Indigo

MICKY said...

sharonsjourney Said:
I am an alcoholic/addict trying to live life on life's terms. I am loving, passionate, crazy, dangerous, insighful, and intuitive.I'm so sorry you got michied. How can we get him off our blogs for good?! Anyway, have a super time! Looking forward to your next post.I had to let a sponsee go, I don't like having to do that. I'll bend over backwards for them, but they have to do their part, they have to meet a few requirments, & she wasn't doing that, it has happened before with her, & I let it slide, but I felt this time I had to let her go, cuz it didn't seem like I was helping her.

Micky's Comments
Greetings Sharon
I felt some pain reading your comments - - you didn’t mention how you felt, Sharon! I imagine you are a “control freak”, “rageaholic” & “avoider.” You have a conscious fear of intimacy & unconscious fear of abandonment. Being a terrified “little girl,” you RAGE over your fear, pain, & shame. I wonder if a good therapist might help you process those feelings which are underneath your RAGE & recover “little Sharon” who I imagine, you abandoned many, many years ago. Were you abused as a child, Sharon? Were you FROTHING at the mouth when you posted your DIATRIBE? If you continue to attend 12 Step groups you will eventually end up as just another 12 STEP ZOMBIE - - an emotionally shutdown, cowardly, fear ridden, hissing, shape - shifting reptile. I love you Sharon! Do you love me? Remember, John 3:16, Sharon? I will pray for you, Sharon!How do you FEEL, Sharon? You are not a PSYCHOPATH, are you, Sharon?