JPG Magazine: MsB

Monday, May 14, 2007


This is just a crapfuck day. Nothing I can lay my finger on and squash, no reason I can find to thrash and thwart. Just inky dinky stuff to annoy me. Federal and State paperwork...They need to talk and they want me to interpret. All much to grueling to discuss... I just sent them each others paper work. Let them find there own rendition. That's why I'm making the little bucks. Cause I can't think anymore. I'm certified,bonafied and adentified as dead in the water. At least in regards to being employable.

I sure didn't think about all of this sort of thing back in the day. More like I'd live forever frozen in fun. Fame was minutes away and life was a piece o' cake, no problem. In spite of the evidence building to nigate my dillusion, I fed my novella life the magic potion of "sex, drugs, and rock & roll"-- The glory song of the sixty's. And what seems like just minutes ago has turned a new cheek. I'm old before I should be old. My lament is often not so sweet.

Some days its just all dead rot in my brain. Nothing to give and no receiver in working order. Things are changing fast for me and I can't seem to absorb the changes at full throttle. Some recollection of how it used to be continues to act as if but I keep realizing I'm really not capable of computing all the crap. Like the invasion of the body snatchers I've been snatched. Spooky. My best game today is: Pardon? I missed that. :+) And hope I don't take off screaming banshee style that I am inclined towards when I get confused. but even that is beginning to be only a memory.

The Doctors say its the ammonia in my brain from the cirrhosis(via Hep-C). I have medicine for it but its gruelling medicine. ME NO LIKE. so I didn't take it yesterday and I'm surprised by my condition??? But of course. Typical, keep thinking the results will be different. Just like that cup of coffee I drank this morning. IrRItatED me as I shake, rattle, and roll without a plan. Just got to laugh at it all. I may be the only one laughing. Screw um if they can't take a joke. Don't see anyone wanting to walk a mile in my moccasin's. But it does give me so much compassion for all the others whose life is no longer optimum. It just IS well... Life on life's terms. Oh ya, I do remember that.

So back to the sunny side. who would ever have thought I would live through all beyond 30 anyway. And have a fabulous bunch of friends to buoy me up when I'm down. Sure didn't have that back in the day. And an opportunity for a new liver. That is truly amazing. Life's great when I can just laugh at my funny self. And ever so interesting beyond anything I've ever done. From a medical perspective it sure beats the blackout blodoo I used to so indulge. Now, if I can just remember this.... :+}


Anonymous said...

Having humor amidst your pain is a real art, msb, and a real blessing I think.
Even though I can't pretend to KNOW what you go through on a daily, I can clearly relate to the thinking I wouldn't live this old and being frozen in fun. And we do pay the price -- even clean.
I hope I can help to be one of those people who can buoy you up a bit. I know you have done the same for me.

someone said...

You are present in the midst of it. Keep writing. But for the grace of God, go I.

msb said...

Thank you all for the positive feedback. Sometimes I wonder just why I even talk.

Lee William said...

I’ve often heard it said that even the worst days of recovery are better than the best days of addiction

What was your addiction ..? Is that how you got Hepatitis C ..and cirrhosis ..?

I frequently blog about my problems with drug laws ..and I still smoke pot ..but I do not advocate drugs ..just free choice my small world, more friends have been hurt by the legal system than by drugs ..I read your blog with empathy for your suffering ..and humor ..and resilience ..power on raggae woman ..!