Pete at the ocean

A dogs life

These dogs think life is just a romp in the back yard, fighting over pine cones, barking at the UPS guy, and laying in the sun. They go to the dog park when I feel up to it. And they so love all their dog buddy's. These guys are so much like kids in dog suits.

Sometimes they get into arguments over who knows what. Pete bites Lu's lips and Lu sits on Pete. Yesterday, Lu just couldn't shake Pete. I'm surprised he has lips left. And they make this horrible sound. but then it's over and they are back to being best friends again. These guys really have it going on in my opinion. Nothing really shakes them.

Yesterday, a nurse from my liver team called me and said my white count was 0.6. don't go out into crowds this week end and don't take your shot on Sunday. I had plans, now I don't. I'll just sit around and make observations about my pets. Ahhh, the life of Riley.

5 day black out so it must be fiction

writing class piece

Scandal and the Girl

The day after the new year of nineteen seventy nine, in a drunken frenzy, Brigit had opened her eyes in disbelief. Was Juan sitting on the end of the bed? And what bed could it possibly be? The TV was chained to the brick wall and Gideon had left that tell tale sign… a motel room. Juan, the sweet but not so smart guy, was there but not her boy friend du jour. And now things were starting to get tricky as the Johnny Walker fog began to lift. Questions needed answers.

Her clothes were still on, a good sign and Don Juan’s were also intact. Just sitting there, he was starring at her like she had two heads or something equally freakish. She smiled and acted nonchalant. The insult was returned. And where was that bottle of clarity, she thought as she slowly surveyed the room for the bottle of scotch, and instead spotted five pounds of weed wrapped ever so familiar paper of last years Christmas.

Shit, what had she done now and where the fuck was she? And why wasn’t Surfer boy here. “Hey Juan, where ya hidden’ the bottle?” she spit. Quickly he produced an almost dead solder, just a spider left. Even a blind hog could tell he wasn’t into giving it up. “Gimme”, she barked like an alpha dog. He complied. There was just enough in the bottle to give her the incentive to get up and look out the window. Pulling back the greasy curtains, all she could see was dark and rain on the foggy window, just another dreary night on the Northern Oregon coast. A perfect night for a scandal was afoot on the cold winter’s eve.

“Hey Bud, we got any blow? Or just that ragweed over there?” was her question to the questions she had no answers for. He slowly pulled out of his little watch pocket a baggie that looked promising. Out of it came a vial and a little to cute, just for snorting cocaine, spoon. She swallowed her snide remarks about the spoon he was filling and tapping, filling and tapping, waiting until it was just his kind of right. Disgusted, she made a small impatient gesture with her pinkie to her left nostril.

She wanted to just grab it with her garish nails and speed things up a bit. “Here baby cakes; let me do it so we don’t spill.” She sounded like she was instructing a young child in the art of cookie making. Then she snatched the bag and clawed a hefty whiff out, not once, not twice, but three times. Juan was a bit slow on the uptake but he managed to regain his status as master of the drug, a rather dubious distinction.

And now that Brigit could think again she realized that it was no great reward to think. And it gave her the need to upchuck in the garbage can at the bed side. As she began to feel bit bad about the placement of the puke she noticed the whole room was in considerable disarray. A bit of puke in the garbage can would not really be out of place. And now with all the amenities attended to that would straighten out her thinking she popped the question. “Where are we and why are we here.” And it was no surprise that Juan didn’t have the answer either.

She could almost imagine what the honky surfer turned drugstore cowboy might have to say about this delightful little adventure his best friend and girlfriend had consorted and expedited. It brought a chill to the bottom of her soul and sadness filled her heart. She was so sick and tired of waking up sick and tired. And she thought about how nice heaven would be. Maybe she would fly out to Miami in the morning for a change of luck.

couch potato

daffy

The fat little crocuses are up

The funk has lifted

The cloud has lifted, literally. The sun is shining and it is warm. Nothing much else has changed since last week. Accept I just stopped worrying for a while. Nothing got done. Oh well. Yesterday I felt well enough to address the things at needed done without being to attached. I feel better.

With that said, and much to be done, I am going to think of a fun thing to do today. The wind isn't blowing like a snapping dog today, so it's possible I may enlist my camera in this fun. I put all my raw format data on an external hard drive yesterday so now my computer has room to work again.

Another fraud from my post a book to buy.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/tellmemore/2008/03

another lambasting:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/04/books/04fake.html?
I guess if it's fiction no one wants to read it and if it's a memoir it better be true. Another novel bites the dust.

I tell the truth and nobody likes it.

Cat space

A book to buy

For those of us that would rather do our gang banging vicariously.

http://drugaddict.livejournal.com/3217065.html?mode=reply

Mellow Drama Barffffff

All this high drama in my life just ain't no good. I'm sick and have to go get my blood drawn. Always an exciting thing in any ex-junky's life. Even after years of not poking needles in ones body. So here I am drinking fluids and trying to keep them down for hydration sake. You guy's, please pardon the typos. Just don't feel like cleaning it all up. i once heard if ya can't spell the word then ya shouldn't use it. That would give me about a third grade vocabulary. I say, if ya can speak it write it. Maybe that's a little to real. Oh well, let 'em spin. some day I will have to tell a story or two on Dorothy B.

For know, I am doing nothing about my situation. Like every situation, give it time and it will change. Today I am letting the powers that be have their way with my life. There's always time for the battle of Armageddon tomorrow. A few more good stories there on Armageddon Bob. I love all the characters that have crossed my path. When my life gets thick and nasty I can always fall back on the dubious wisdom of those who have influenced my life so profoundly.

The crap factory; isn't that the 1st Chakra

No trailer, no trash, Maybe shopping cart lady. I'm not quit ready for bag lady. Actually, I haven't a clue where I'm going. I was going to Oregon this morning. Then Minnesota this after noon. But It might have to be Phoenix. My Phsyco Worker, I mean Social Worker said, no boyfriend no liver. I hate social workers. I think I heard that somewhere before. I thought they were supposed to help. All I want is a cold water walk-up. Yeah would have thought I asked for a mansion in the hills.

But I called my Dr and Mr. Nasty is wrong. It has to go before a vote. And I called my sister (my other caretaker) She'll straighten them out. Boy, I'm going down fast. At least my brain is. My liver is hang'n tough. I really want to go to Oregon and live on the coast for awhile. My Sister says clear up some of my credit card dept first. What a good sister. Very smart. That's what I have been doing until the monkey wench decided to go lefty tighty, instead of lefty loosey.

The BF changed his mind and said "Oh don't move" ???? So he probably wants to wait till I can't walk for the next get out in 90 days. Oh then it will be 30 days.

This is soo hysterical. This all started cause I was giving my self an icky poo medicine shot and I didn't jump right up and answer HIS phone. There must be something wrong with me. Oh ya, that's right, there is.

So nothing has really changed. Accept my Dad who broke his leg last week likes me again and I'm laughing about the insanity of it all. I'm going to have to rename this blog the crisis factor or the cracker factory or something. The First Chakra just doesn't do it.

Trailer park trash

I decided that I will live in my car before I leave Pete and Lucy Blu behind. I traveled this summer with Pete and my Ikea mattress and it was ok. But first I am going to work on a travel trailer to live in and try a keep the car too. the x always said when he got rid of his other girlfriends he bought them a car and a motorcycle jacket. Maybe my dad, instead of sending his girlfriend to Mazatlan again will donate to my trailer park trash fund. I have my old paypal account still on my blog from the day when I sold chakra beads on the Internet. One can donate. Please don't feel obligated,please don't stop reading my blog because of it.my friend said ask everyone I know for a hand out. I appear to self sufficient when I'm really not. I may even be able to start doing beads again. Or something. I am working on a book. (aren't we all) All I know is I can't live without my furry little family if I plan to keep on trudging the road of happy destiny.

yada yada yada

even though I've done things today to help get out of this situation, I am still discussed with my self and the situation I've gotten my self into. I want to rip this blog apart and throw away everything I own. It just goes on and on. I keep telling myself it will get better and what few friends I still have left are being as supportive as they can. I don't want to let them down but I'm afraid I don't believe a word of it. Shit , I hope this passes soon. I really do know it's me and I need an attitude adjustment. The bf needs... well its really none of my business what he needs but he doesn't need me.

Amazing

How could I have been so blind? Things are better for me today. Without being sappy I really do get how life's most serious moments can be times of growth. Don't get me wrong. I still feel like I've been kicked in the gut but hands are reaching out to hold me up. I could do it alone but why? Life is good today even if I'm unhappy. Can't always be perfect. Gonna miss that dog Luther though.

Hate

I'm just so mad tonight. Up until now I have been in shock. He said, "I make enough money for both of us. Quit your job. get well." I said are you sure? It's a big job to take care of a sick person. I bought him a book written by a friend who went though the same thing. I don't think he read it because he is so smart.

Thursday he assured me again I could stay for ever and Sunday he got mad while I was fussing over taking my shot. I didn't answer he's phone. He finally did and it was the repair man to confirm a next day appointment. He informed me of this as though had he not answered the phone all hell would have broken loose. I asked him, " Should I have dropped everything put on some cloths and answer the phone for him?

In a short time, after I cleaned up from the shot, I went out and apologized for being so short with him. He said you have 90 days to get out.

So I am selling stuff. I'll get out soon. I hate him right now. I know I'll get over it. But not now. Hate is motivating. I will become the king kong of hate.

. . . Ours is the universe of the unfolded rose, The explicit The candid revelation. —D. H. Lawrence

Stop the world, I want to get off

Well, I just got a ninety day notice to move out. The BF just can't stand my attitude anymore. Boy, this new development should really make my life much more exciting. Like I don't have enough excitement already. He just promised last night no matter what he would never ask me to leave. Promises, Promises.

I took care of my ex-husband as he was dieing of lung cancer. No, it wasn't easy. It was damn hard but I promised. I learned so much about selflessness, putting my life on hold for the good of another. Some days I just wanted to run away. But I didn't.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn here. I'm just saying I understand. But for me, I don't have the VA to pitch in and help. Or a mother that is still alive. And since I left Oregon I really don't have many friends.

Boy am I ever on the pity pot. so please don't let me forget:

Fear to faith. Don't give up before the miracle. And of course it is all exactly the way it is supposed to be.

Fear to faith

Last night I dreamed I was normal again, or what ever normal was for me. It was great. Then I woke up, I was back to this state of exhaustion, cold, pain, that has slipped over my life ssslllooowwlly in the last however long. I enjoyed the reprieve. My house is warm in the morning as my boyfriend gets ready for work, he flips the heat switch on. He said it will be 65 degrees in Phoenix today. Maybe I should go to Phoenix, thinks I. Like that will give me a boost. You see, we don't turn the heat on in the daytime when he's not here because he pays the bills. He doesn't want to waste money. Maybe I'm supposed to meditate on how warm it is in Phoenix.

I spoke with my Father a few days ago. He broke his leg and at 87 thats a tough thing. Right now he is in a rest home doing physical therapy and .... when he gets out he will go to his 2 new daughters house to recoup. Two new Daughters? Whats wrong with your two old daughters? What about your girlfriends, the one yo are going to by a new house for? Well, my sister will be going there to see whats up. I said I would come up but he wants to be alone with my sister because he doesn't know her very well. (My Mother walked before she was born. Guess she figured one abused daughter was enough.

Its a good thing I don't have to base my opinion of myself on the imagination of others. But I am damn cold. BF lets me stay in a room in his house if I cook and clean and do the laundry. But I only get heat when he's home. Oh, he did say I could build a fire today. I lived with wood heat for 16 years, 13 of that alone. I do know about fires. But the wood he scavenged out of the forest this time takes a blow torch to start. REALLY. Thats how he has been starting it.And then it doesn't put out much heat. Like me :+) So today I'm in my warm elevated bed and when I get up, I just bundle up. Was gonna clean the house but not today. It might warm up or stay warm in here, but just about everything in AZ is build on a concrete slab. Just sucks the warm right out of the house.

"In the world there are two kinds of tragedies. One is not getting what one wants. The other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde (Found on the Junky's Wife.)

I think theres a third tragedy... not knowing what one wants. I don't have a clue anymore. It just doesn't compute. I used to be able to figure it out and do what needed to be done. My latest in a long line of sponsors gave me a list and at the top was - How is your life unmanageable? Unmanageable? Is it? I can't figure that out if it is or not.

Marc gave me a mantra " Fear to Faith" Some days I just get forgetful. It's really the best thing I've gleaned from life lately. Now I can laugh a bit at the absurdity my thinking seems to take. Surly am glad my four legged friends love me unconditionally.

Breakfast

thinking about the constraints of sharing the cats breakfast.

Breakfast

Romy's quite a ham

then and now.

Well here I am in the big city. The temperature is great. Feels good on my old bones. But, its smoggy. I have to go down to the Liver clinic a pick up my interferon for the next month. They still don't have it straightened out why it just doesn't come by parcel post.

Most of the the time, while I've been down here, I have been staying in and working on home work. It costs money to visit the city. I forgot about that. Even just driving around is expensive. It's a whole new mind sight from last year to this year. But at least I don't have to live out of garbage cans and sleep in the bushes.

I think the thing I miss the most being down here, is not having Pete here with me. He loves to go places and is the best company a girl could ask for. Unfortunately, the two dogs I'm staying with are just not very social. They have be trained Schutzhund, so that doesn't leave room for other dogs. I miss my little polka dot Pete.

another day, another post

Better

I think I have recovered from the mini mump. phishuuu. Glad that is over. This weekend I am going to house sit at Two Dogs place. Yippie, the big city. Culture, baby, culture.

Commpassion

Friday, I had a croissant for lunch. Who would think a croissant would hurt. But, youuuwww.. it did. and my face swelled up where the saliva gland is. Called my Doctor...gone for the week-end and so to urgent care. All these coughing, sick people blowing their germs about.. there was a note saying they should where masks if the where coughing, but no one was wearing a mask. They where blowing there nose in the masks. Ick. and I literately have no immune system because of the interferon. There was big piles of dirt on the floor.. from shoes.. and all the office stafff was just siting around laughing and telling jokes.

So I asked if I could wait in the car and would they please call me when my turn had come. The girl said," well where are you going to be?"

I, "In the parking lot".

An hour later, I noticed lots of sick people gone, and new ones there. Guess I missed my call.
Then I got the information taker. ....how much do you weigh, how old, and all my medical history. Then they put me in another room, I can hear everything and wait another hour. I am crying now, because this thing has doubled in size and really hurts.

Finally, the doctor. Every time I tell her something she all ready knows. Says she has been an emergency doctor for 20 years. With her long wrap around dress (I think it's supposed to be India, Indian, but more like ratty hippy) and her long grey , greasy hair in a pony. She told me to take 4 motrin at a time and suck lemon drops.

But Motion makes my gut hurt and lemon drops, not on your life without pain pills. No pain pills for me, after all , shes been a emergency room Doctor for twenty years and knows a drug seeker when she sees on.

I go home and try her method out. I figure if shes been an emergency room doctor for twenty years she must know something. But, as figured, all I ended up with was a stomach ache and my side my face looked like I had mumps. I put heat on it that might, like that experienced Doctor recommended. And got no sleep. In the morning I was in bad shape.

I called my liver Doctor in Phoenix and they said go to the emergency room fast. Seems like I have a plugged saliva duck and an infection. And now all my joints ache to boot. The Doctors in this emergency room have all my medical records about how bad my Hep-C is ( make a point of keeping them both informed) and they gave me antibiotics and said the pain meds would make it heal faster, not to mention more tolerable.

Today the swelling is gone but the joints still ache. I've stopped taking the pain pills because they don't work on whatever is wrong with my joints. Maybe I'll call that Doc with twenty years experience and see what she has too say.*X^%$_+. Actually, if I'm still as messed up by Wednesday I'll call my primary doctor because I'm do for blood work on Thursday.

This being sick is for the birds. I've never been sick in my life, now its just one thing after another. Very disheartening. I guess compassion is the word I am learning. Not just for all the sick people in the world today, but for all the ones that don't have a clue about being sick.

Cat Haikus sent to me by a friend and a picture by where I used to live in Oregon sent by same friend

Thanks Rick from Oregon

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards
This pillow's taken.

Your mouth is moving
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.

cold and windy

I just can't figure out how that bird can stand there flapping in the breeze. Breeze?? And he must have Kevlar feet wrapped in Thinsulate.

Down the Rabbit Hole

The sun is shining today, and although it is still only 32 degrees, I believe I'm going to brave the elements and take the dogs to the dog park. My mood is light today and I feel better then I have for a while.

Here is an excerpt from my writing class.
A 20 minute free writing exercise.

L.A., the land of the preternatural sunset, always invigorated the girl at that particular time of the day. The evening cool and the smog was no longer visually slathering the sky in a grey-yellow chalky smear. The time was ripening up like an old bushel of apples, the aromatic, excitement of good turning bad. Bad, certainly was in the eye of the beholder, a judgment call of right and wrong. How would those apple seeds ever sprout new trees laden with succulent fruit, if the rotting ceased to be.

The girl rolled out of bed onto the shaggy carpet and stretched her naked cat like body, sleep slowly crumbled from her eyes. Her head felt like the whole marching band was still playing feverishly in the confines of her cranium. Such was the result of way to many Harvey Wall Bangers the night before. The cure was moments away in the little vial in her purse. Maybe, if the fuzzy haired Italian that slept with her every night had not found it first. He wasn’t much for sharing.

As she scattered the contents of her purse on the floor, wiggling the toes in the shag, the contents of the vial twinkled out of the bottom of the Coach bag. The joy of the find set up euphoria and relief that erupted in every cell of her body. Her head rolled slightly to the side and drool formed in the corners of her pouty tender lips. Somewhere a saxophone played a mournful Charlie Parker tune, inspiring her self inflicted angst.

I am a slow typist!

Writing, writing and more writing

I started an online creative writing class today givin though the local community college. I out age them by 30 years. It's gonna be interesting. but I do like the on line presentation. I really like laying in bed and doing my assignments. There are days I just can't muster up what it takes to get dressed and act like I'm fine. Today was one of those days.

dream

Pete puts his foot down...

....and demands dinner.

I asked Great Spirit to take away my habit.
Great Spirit said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked Great Spirit to make my handicapped child whole.
Great Spirit said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked Great Spirit to grant me patience.
Great Spirit said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked Great Spirit to give me happiness.
Great Spirit said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked Great Spirit to spare me pain.
Great Spirit said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked Great Spirit to make my spirit grow.
Great Spirit said, No.
You must grow on your own!
But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked Great Spirit for all things that I might enjoy life.
Great Spirit said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask Great Spirit to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves
me.
Great Spirit said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.


THIS DAY IS YOURS DON'T THROW IT AWAY

May Great Spirit Bless You,
"To the world you might be one person, but to one
person you just might be the world"

Just little ole me in 1971

Luci Blu and I are curled up on my bed, listening to some vaguely familiar violin concerto. As I read the blogs I am transported to other places and other times. I am especially intrigued by the LA stories. They send me back in time too a place....

...when I was really thinking I had life by the tail. After all the insanity that had transpired in Denver, circa 1970, I headed out to California. with my best g-friend, Silver. We tossed a coin-NYC or LA. It 10 degrees in NYC that day, same as Denver. And it was balmy in LA. They had just had a big earth quake and for us, earthquakes sounded so exotic, adventurous, something to behold.

So off we went with our well practiced thumbs in tow and a few changes of cloths, our best hippy shit. We had friends there. They had been in Denver last year stirring up many prankster adventures that quite tickled our fancy. They told us stories of the Strip, the Whiskey, the pacific ocean, Pandora's box, riots, luv -ins.....We were captives of our vivid imaginations.

We would head south first and catch the better weather. By the time we hit Raton Pass a blizzard had stopped us in our tracks. We were stranded in a Mom and Pops taco shop, along with 6 other stranded travelers who, I might add, had been there camping on the floor for a few days, due to the inclement weather. They had been all put to work for their room and board, cleaning the place spic and span. Cleaning, dear readers, was not Silver and my forté.

Just about that time a big brougham Cadillac with Mexican plates pulled in. The two Vaquero's driving were long tall talking about that Caddy. No pinchi snow storm would stop them even for a minute. Mexico City was their home and they had been away far to long. they certainly could extend the hospitaliy of the caddy to a couple off lovely ladies such as Silver and I.

By the time we got to Santa Fe it was dinner time and Mariachi time and then, of course bedtime. As we were always up for an adventure we would worry about the bedtime thing later. We had plenty of tricks up our sleeves. And what a wild wonderful time we had. These two loco boys from Mexico really new how to party. And I, the sheltered girl from Podunk, USA was absolutely taken with the cultural diversity, not to mention the tequila.

And as the evening wore on and that sticky subject of sleep started to hang thick in the air, the question was posed. We were lucky chickie's that evening. Even though we were as far from ladies as two young girls could be, we weren't ready for an amorous tryst with these much older men. And again luck would be on us and the two men turned out to be real gentlemen and got us a room of our own and a ride the next day to Albuquerque where we would part ways. We did consider heading to MC with them but we figured not knowing the language might be a hindrance to our ability to have fun.

It was cold in Albuquerque, our poor little thumbs were about to crack. And then a shiny white vehicle pulled over and hmmmm , what did they say? Get in? They were a couple of guys from Cuba??? and as we didn't speak the language and they had a rather sketchy handle on our lanuage, much was missed. but it was a ride. LA is a word we all understood. We were heading to Hollywood where our friends lived and they were going to Long Beach. I tryed to see how that looked on the map. Unfortunately the map was in my head. And my head was hung over.

We ended up in Bell Gardens, somewhere in South Central Los Angeles at a gas station at 3 a.m. We tryed to figure out how we could get out of these seemingly unsafe neighborhood. Found a map on the gas station wall. Geezz... the attendant was nothing but negative, thought we were nuts. A truck pulled in and he was going to the loading docks in downtown LA. He said he could get a load going our way and drop us off. So may hours later, we were dropped off at our friends house by Gardner and Santa Monica. What a sight we were, frazzled and quite askew, Climbing out off a Peterbilt. Style'n baby, Styl'n.

And so begins eight years off the wildest, craziest, years of my life. I still have many fond memories of those years. Or maybe it is just euphoric recall. But every time I've been back I always leave longing to stay. But other adventures have always taken priority. They say you can never go back. I wouldn't know because I never have, accept as a tourist.

Found on Madame Yu See's Blog

It's the latest, greatest, blog-friend game, spreading through the Blogosphere to a blog near you:

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle. (Betcha' didn't think someone my age even HAD an iPod, did you!)

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
Questions start below the line.
______________________________________

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
Close to Heaven Vivian Khor Paradise


HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Spiritus Lenis/ Gentle Breath Riyliy Lee Music for Zen meditation


WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Give it Away Red Hot Chili Peppers

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Peer Gynt Suite Grieg


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Master of Disaster John Hiatt


WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Howl’n down the Cumberland John Hiatt

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Coat is always on Cat Power


WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I Missed the Point Neco Case

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
The Great Prince of Peace and Universal Compassion Nawang Khegong


WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Words Lucinda Williams

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Faith Shawn Mullins


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Walking the shining earth R. Carlos Nikai & William Eaton


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Daily Prayer and Practice of the Dalai Lama Nawang Khechog


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
The Guests Laurie Anderson on A tribute Leonard Cohen


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Taking People Cat Power


WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Jingle Bells James Taylor

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Concerto for Violin, Strings , and Harpsichord Vivaldi


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Water and Air Cat Power


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Building Healthy Lifestyles: Anna Schwatz PHD Arizona State University


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Love and Happiness Mark Knopfler and Emmy Lou Harris


WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Symphony # 40 in G minor Mozart

the other thing

I'm also doing a low dose of interferon to keep the hep-c at bay until a liver shows up with my name on it. about a 50/50 on that. And of course I have all the physical crapolla that comes along with it.

What are the possible side effects?

The most common side effects of PEGASYS and COPEGUS are:

• Flu-like symptoms (including fever, chills, muscle aches, joint pain, headaches)
• Tiredness
• Upset stomach (like nausea, taste changes, diarrhea)
• Blood sugar problems (may lead to diabetes)
• Skin problems (like rash, dry or itchy skin, redness and swelling at injection site)
• Hair loss (temporary)
• Trouble sleeping

The most serious side effects of PEGASYS and COPEGUS are:

• Mental health problems (such as irritability, depression, anxiety, aggressiveness, trouble with drug addiction or overdose, thoughts about suicide, suicide attempts, suicide and thoughts about homicide)
• Blood problems (like a drop in blood cells leading to increased risk for infections, bleeding and/or heart or circulatory problems)
• Infections (which sometimes cause death)
• Lung problems (like trouble breathing, pneumonia)
• Eye problems (like blurred vision, loss of vision)
• Autoimmune problems (such as psoriasis, thyroid problems)
• Heart problems (including chest pain and, rarely, a heart attack)
• Liver problems (rarely, liver function worsens). Patients with both the hepatitis C virus and HIV can have an increased chance of having liver failure during PEGASYS treatment. Change in a blood test that measures liver inflammation occurs more often in patients with hepatitis B. If you have a rise in this blood test you may need to be watched more closely with additional blood tests.

Lucky me, I have most of this. but it is getting less annoying with time. Mostly I'm depressed. Antidepressants are not an option for me. some of my dear friends that remember back to days of old and my run in with the antidepressants. OOOOOOOOO.

I hate to whine, so when I'm in this self - centered mememe mode, I just don't post.

but I want people to hear about Hep-c. I want people to know that it's out there and most people don't even know they have it. 1 in 10.

Heres a link for more information and what we can do about Hepatitis C.

American Liver Foundation

Heres the deal with me on the physical plane

Cirrhosis of the Liver

The liver, the largest organ in the body, is essential in keeping the body functioning properly. It removes or neutralizes poisons from the blood, produces immune agents to control infection, and removes germs and bacteria from the blood. It makes proteins that regulate blood clotting and produces bile to help absorb fats and fat-soluble vitamins. You cannot live without a functioning liver.

In cirrhosis of the liver, scar tissue replaces normal, healthy tissue, blocking the flow of blood through the organ and preventing it from working as it should. Cirrhosis is the twelfth leading cause of death by disease, killing about 26,000 people each year. Also, the cost of cirrhosis in terms of human suffering, hospital costs, and lost productivity is high.

Causes

Cirrhosis has many causes. In the United States, chronic alcoholism and hepatitis C are the most common ones.

Chronic hepatitis C. The hepatitis C virus ranks with alcohol as a major cause of chronic liver disease and cirrhosis in the United States. Infection with this virus causes inflammation of and low grade damage to the liver that over several decades can lead to cirrhosis.

There are other causes but not in this story.

My symptoms are in red

Symptoms

Many people with cirrhosis have no symptoms in the early stages of the disease. However, as scar tissue replaces healthy cells, liver function starts to fail and a person may experience the following symptoms:

• exhaustion
  
  
• fatigue
  
  
• loss of appetite
  
  
• nausea
  
  
• weakness
  
  
• weight loss
  
  
• abdominal pain
  
  
• spider-like blood vessels (spider angiomas) that develop on the skin

As the disease progresses, complications may develop. In some people, these may be the first signs of the disease.

Complications of Cirrhosis

Loss of liver function affects the body in many ways. Following are the common problems, or complications, caused by cirrhosis.

Edema and ascites. When the liver loses its ability to make the protein albumin, water accumulates in the legs (edema) and abdomen (ascites).

Bruising and bleeding. When the liver slows or stops production of the proteins needed for blood clotting, a person will bruise or bleed easily. The palms of the hands may be reddish and blotchy with palmar erythema.

Jaundice. Jaundice is a yellowing of the skin and eyes that occurs when the diseased liver does not absorb enough bilirubin.

Itching. Bile products deposited in the skin may cause intense itching.

Gallstones. If cirrhosis prevents bile from reaching the gallbladder, gallstones may develop.

Toxins in the blood or brain. A damaged liver cannot remove toxins from the blood, causing them to accumulate in the blood and eventually the brain. There, toxins can dull mental functioning and cause personality changes, coma, and even death. Signs of the buildup of toxins in the brain include neglect of personal appearance, unresponsiveness, forgetfulness, trouble concentrating, or changes in sleep habits.

Sensitivity to medication. Cirrhosis slows the liver's ability to filter medications from the blood. Because the liver does not remove drugs from the blood at the usual rate, they act longer than expected and build up in the body. This causes a person to be more sensitive to medications and their side effects.

Portal hypertension. Normally, blood from the intestines and spleen is carried to the liver through the portal vein. But cirrhosis slows the normal flow of blood through the portal vein, which increases the pressure inside it. This condition is called portal hypertension.

Varices. When blood flow through the portal vein slows, blood from the intestines and spleen backs up into blood vessels in the stomach and esophagus. These blood vessels may become enlarged because they are not meant to carry this much blood. The enlarged blood vessels, called varices, have thin walls and carry high pressure, and thus are more likely to burst. If they do burst, the result is a serious bleeding problem in the upper stomach or esophagus that requires immediate medical attention.

Insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes. Cirrhosis causes resistance to insulin. This hormone, produced by the pancreas, enables blood glucose to be used as energy by the cells of the body. If you have insulin resistance, your muscle, fat, and liver cells do not use insulin properly. The pancreas tries to keep up with the demand for insulin by producing more. Eventually, the pancreas cannot keep up with the body's need for insulin, and type 2 diabetes develops as excess glucose builds up in the bloodstream.

Liver cancer. Hepatocellular carcinoma, a type of liver cancer commonly caused by cirrhosis, starts in the liver tissue itself. It has a high mortality rate. (not yet but because I have a high alpha-fetoprotein number, it's probably just a matter of time).

Tumor marker

Like any elevated tumor marker, elevated AFP by itself is not diagnostic, only suggestive. Tumor markers are used primarily to monitor the result of a treatment (e.g. chemotherapy). If levels of AFP go down after treatment, the tumor is not growing. In the case of babies, after treatment AFP should go down faster than it would normally. A temporary increase in AFP immediately following chemotherapy may indicate not that the tumor is growing but rather that it is shrinking (and releasing AFP as the tumor cells die). AFP-L3, an isoform of AFP which binds Lens culinaris agglutinin, can be particularly useful in early identification of aggressive tumors associated with hepatocellular carcinoma (HCC).

Problems in other organs. Cirrhosis can cause immune system dysfunction, leading to infection. Fluid in the abdomen (ascites) may become infected with bacteria normally present in the intestines. Cirrhosis can also lead to impotence, kidney dysfunction and failure, and osteoporosis.

Treatment

Liver damage from cirrhosis cannot be reversed, but treatment can stop or delay further progression and reduce complications. Treatment depends on the cause of cirrhosis and any complications a person is experiencing. For example, cirrhosis caused by alcohol abuse is treated by abstaining from alcohol. Treatment for hepatitis-related cirrhosis involves medications used to treat the different types of hepatitis, such as interferon for viral hepatitis and corticosteroids for autoimmune hepatitis. Cirrhosis caused by Wilson disease, in which copper builds up in organs, is treated with medications to remove the copper. These are just a few examples—treatment for cirrhosis resulting from other diseases depends on the underlying cause. In all cases, regardless of the cause, following a healthy diet and avoiding alcohol are essential because the body needs all the nutrients it can get, and alcohol will only lead to more liver damage. Light physical activity can help stop or delay cirrhosis as well.

Treatment will also include remedies for complications. For example, for ascites and edema, the doctor may recommend a low-sodium diet or the use of diuretics, which are drugs that remove fluid from the body. Antibiotics will be prescribed for infections, and various medications can help with itching. Protein causes toxins to form in the digestive tract, so eating less protein will help decrease the buildup of toxins in the blood and brain. The doctor may also prescribe laxatives to help absorb the toxins and remove them from the intestines.

For portal hypertension, the doctor may prescribe a blood pressure medication such as a beta-blocker. If varices bleed, the doctor may either inject them with a clotting agent or perform a so-called rubber-band ligation, which uses a special device to compress the varices and stop the bleeding.

When complications cannot be controlled or when the liver becomes so damaged from scarring that it completely stops functioning, a liver transplant is necessary. In liver transplantation surgery, a diseased liver is removed and replaced with a healthy one from an organ donor. About 80 to 90 percent of patients survive liver transplantation. Survival rates have improved over the past several years because of drugs such as cyclosporine and tacrolimus, which suppress the immune system and keep it from attacking and damaging the new liver.

Thank You Med Net

The first chakra

Chakra One:
Earth, Physical identity, oriented to self-preservation
Located at the base of the spine, this chakra forms our foundation. It represents the element earth, and is therefore related to our survival instincts, and to our sense of grounding and connection to our bodies and the physical plane. Ideally this chakra brings us health, prosperity, security, and dynamic presence.

Anodea Judith

moment in time

In Denver Colorado,thirty seven years ago on a blizzardy early a.m. a young girl hitchhikes to the hospital to drop a baby off. The Baby has been in her belly for eight and a half months and although nine months is recommended, this baby was not willing to stay on the womb any longer. It was hazardous and uncomfortable certainly. Who could blame this infant for wanting out.

Drug addicts are intensely self centered people. Often broken by things that karma delivered on their door step. Who could know. The mother of this child only wanted to do the right thing. Knowing, intuitively that life would not be changing any time soon, she had contacted an adoption agency, put her trust in a god she was not really sure about, and found the child a loving family to raise her up in a fashion such as children should be raised. When the mother looked into the now born infants eyes, an indescribable feeling of love took place. This mother did not feel worthy of the responsibility of such a love.

Many years passed before these two would meet again. And when they did, the mother felt a bond of kinship and love that even twenty five years apart couldn't wash away. they talked and learned of each other, it was like looking in the mirror. They promised to always stay in touch. Though marrages and divorces, birth and death these two shared hope and sorrow. Like very close people do.

But at some point the mother came to a roadblock. Who knows why. Feelings of not being enough were becoming overwhelming. And another death blew through the older womans life. She slowly withdrew, knowing it was not the right thing, but incapable of anything else. Self centered and godless as addicts often are. Maybe more so when drugs are not an option and faith far from the scene.

And then illness crept slowly, doing its dirty tricks to a not so old but yet ancient soul. The cure, elusive and treatment dubious. What would one say, " I just called to tell you I may be dieing soon, and thought I might like the dervish that I am, step one more time into your life just to leave again?

Out of the quagmire rock album meme

I found this fun little project on Asha's blog who found it on Roy's blog.

Asha says,
"As he wrote, his turned out to be "eerily appropriate" and it seems mine did too. He got it from UV, who found it at Mini-Obs and so on. According to the inexplicable whims of fate, the name of my band is The Bounds of Sense and this is our album cover. As you can see, we are a force to be reckoned with. And who are you?"



Instructions:
1. The first article title on the Wikipedia Random Articles page is the name of your band.

2. The last four words of the very last quotation on the Random Quotations page is the title of your album.

3. Any appropriate picture in Flickr's Creative Commons licensed photos will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result. c'mon budding cover art designers - give it a try!

Seems to fit right in with all my way off of plum attempts at blogging found on The First Chakra these days.


Random words from random quotes as picked by the mouse.

Ever died from pleasure
it does not exist
isn't perfection but progress
to not follow your heart?

might as well fall flat
fear of not having lived
Nothing is permanent
Don't stay long

is walking distance if
feast it with bad
wrong than to do
we will get to sleep

were such a splendid
lives begin to end
as I hate peanuts
life is a chance

will get the blame
Sharing food with another
comes from squandering ourselves
come in very handy.

dale wells

baby picture

Been away, been sleeping my life away. 2 dogs blogged for me as that was whose couch I Zonked out on. I was sure I would come back with a million pictures but mostly all I have is dreams. Makes sense. I just love her "one wrong move kind of attitude" dogs. Like the dog of my childhood. And when I wasn't sleeping we ate and partied a bit. all and all, my trip to Phoenix was a success.

sorry, no pictures. Heres an moldy oldy

I dreamt of Magdaline,
She dreamt of me
Sisters in sorrow
Sisters in life.
the daily battle of Armageddon arm and arm
skipping as children often do
the light of some god goes beside us
as they often do

chop lickin' daydream

I know how you feel Pete

I just want to snap out of it

But the "its" are avalanching down. My friend got cancer for Christmas. Not fair. She has a son and a grandson to raise. And her brother is oh so ill now. One of my best friends. So now I have necklaces to make as he requested one.

And I must knit myself a hat. It's just so cold here to me. I hate cold ears. My kid friends got me a hat and scarf for Christmas, thinking it would help. But they are polyester. Makes my teeth chatter just thinking about it.

But I won't go on here with my tales of woe. but I must add that my Doctor, after looking at my back x-rays thinks sky diving will no longer be on my list of things to do. Nor will motor biking. but kitties sleeping on my feet is on the plus list. Right on Luci Blu.

And my dear friend has returned to Phoenix. A delight she is and a grounding factor in my crazy head. As soon as my meds arrive in the mail, I'm heading south for few days. I have an appointment with my social worker. he has some ideas about reeducating me as my Doctor has hairdresser on my list of no mores. Also am going to let him talk to the credit card people. After a year of existing on them I'm a bit in the rears. can't have that at 55.

and then , I am so sad about Benazir Bhuttos Assassination. Karma, sometimes, just seems more like a heavy handed rotton drunk pervert, then a way of life. Maybe today, I best remember, earth has know sorrow that heaven can not heal. And leave it at that.

Bruno

Just me and my dog

the town I lived in till I was 8

My Mother and I walked here almost every day to check the mail. The post mistress always had a Hershey bite for me. I loved being alive then. when my parents weren't scraping it up about something, life was good. I skied in the winter and rode horses in the summer. can't beat that.

naughty or nice?

Lets not forget Luci Blu

Can't think of anything good to say my self

So I swiped this of of dAAves site.



Dump Those Negative Habits Now!
by Mark Victor Hansen

If you want to distance yourself from the masses and enjoy a rich and unique lifestyle, understand this - your habits will determine your future. The fact is, if you keep on doing things a certain way, you will get a predictable result. That's the simple law of Cause and Effect.

Successful habits create positive rewards.
Negative habits breed negative consequences.

If you want to enjoy longevity, you must have healthy habits. If you are in the habit of starving your most important relationships of time, energy and love, how can you expect a happy outcome? If you spend money on the fly or don't save any money, your bad habits will lead you to a never-ending cycle of work.


Shift yourself out of your bad habits. Fortunately, you can jump from this bad habits path anytime you want. It's a very simple process - it just takes some applied focus.


Here's the step-by-step process I recommend:
Clearly identify your bad or unproductive habits. Write them down.

a) Be specific.
b) Remember to consider the long-term consequences should you continue in this bad habit. As an example, a couple cigarettes a day may not seem like much, but after 10 years, the buildup of having smoked 7,300 cigarettes remains in your system.
c) Consider habits at home, in your communications and relations with others, at work, in your driving habits, in your free time, and in matters related to your physical, emotional and spiritual health.

It's all about Pete

My Christmas card

leaping lu

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1393664287

Snow zone

They know if you've been bad or good
So be good for good for goodness sake.

My Hollywood

Bruce gets around

The International School of Minnesota

"What a crazy sight to see;
Why they're bigger than the tree;
Eating berries for their lunch;
Who is this wild bunch? The turkeys of ISM."

CB




The resident turkeys of The International School of Minnesota enjoy a lunch of berries from a small tree near the front entrance.

Thought snipits

Well what do you know. I feel almost normal today. I think, it's hard to remember what that is. I got up early and had waffle and cranberry goat cheese with cinnamon. A splash of green tea. I built a fire in the fire place, emptied the dishwasher, brushed my teeth and then I was tired. I took the tea and curled up with Luci Blu and NPR.

All the news I'll ever need. maybe to much, but Sunday Baroque will fix all that. On the news, they had done an interview with a female interrogator from Guantanamo. Soul searching for her, gutwrenching for me. She found redemption thru acceptance. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16993136
Its funny how the mind works, as she spoke of her clients as murderers and rapists. Bet they believe in their own redemption too. As do I. At least something akin to it. At least think I do. And hope for my own sort of epiphany. At least I think I do.

I seem to rap my teeth around every thought I have until my mental jaws hurt. Probably need a hobby. One that doesn't take alot of money or effort, which I have little of either. Luci Blu has the right idea. she eats (loves to eat) has a momentary spurt of catharsis at warp speed and then curls up on the DVR player to nap. Its warm and it vibrates. Her own personal kitty vibrating bed. Silly girl.

My biggest problem with hobbies is I loose interest faster than a, well , fast. yesterday I watched a quilting show so i wanted to do that. I have bags of scraps of cloth I've been collecting for years. I think I just like to collect and live in my head. Just the thought of pulling out my sewing machine has me running for the couch. Did I say run? Ha!

Sick ,self absorbed, no words to share

glad i don't have no quarrels with god

the key to a mans heart